Album Review: David Cook “This Loud Morning”

I think Idol critics mistaken the word “star” for something completely different than what I believe it means. “Star” doesn’t mean Madonna. It means someone who has a loyal and rabid fan base that does consistently well. Kelly and Carrie may have exceeded the expectations, but need I remind you that both had rather mediocre début albums. Kelly made her name on her second album, and Carrie was saved from country obscurity by “Before He Cheats”, which crossed over by being a great song.

David Cook’s major label, Idol champion album was a really good record, and it went platinum in a world where platinum once again is a difficult thing to achieve. He also pulled a Kelly and demanded more of an input on his follow-up. As I am a huge fan of his before-Idol indie release Analog Heart, I was excited. As much as I loved David Cook, the rush to make the Christmas market left me wondering about some of the choices. As great as “Light On”, “Bar-Ba-Sol”, and “Come Back To Me” are, there are unworthy songs that haven’t sat well with me years after the initial rush. I trust David’s judgement for the most part, and I hope the natural evolution of Idol winners careers gives me a superior album.

American Idol: Breaking Up Is Never Easy, I Know. But I Have To Go.

Haley was sent packing, millions Idol fans cried, Michael Slezak and Annie Barrett have both curled up in the fetal position.

Me? Well. I’m eating spanakopita.

And I have now said goodbye to Idol for the last time.

I have no real wish to watch next week. I’ll end up watching the results show just to see Haley, Casey, Paul, Pia. But I’m tired of watching Scotty’s three-month coronation party.

There will be no more Idol posts. I’ll start-up with X-Factor come fall. But this season of Idol, which began with such promise, turned into one of the biggest farces in the hostory of entertainment. And I cannot witness any more of the lunacy.

Thanks to the many faithful readers who would always send a tweet. And if you must continue to read about Idol, I would like to suggest you read Claire Zulkey’s pieces over at The AV Club. She is a witty and honest Idol watcher. I’ll read her posts  just to comment on how I will never subject myself to Randy Jackson and RyRy Seabreeze ever again.

American Idol: One Song About Nuts of Wonder, One Lawrence Welk Moment, and One Dad Playing Guitar

I would like to start of reiterating that I hate the judges and everything they have said this season except for the audition rounds, when they still had some guts and the ability to say “Fuck a duck”. Thank you.

Tonight’s show was part Velveeta smothered Velveeta, part realizing I don’t listen to much country music radio anymore, part screaming “Zeppelin” while my daughters looked on in resignation, and part hating the judges and loving Jimmy Iovine. I haven’t been this passionate about a contestant since season seven. I am obsessed about Haley making it to the top two. But is this purely reactionary? I don’t think so- I was coming around to her before the insanity of the judging hit me. A lot of comment boards have quoted some blogger’s study of the critiques this year, where Haley had some 17 notes about how terrible she is, mostly from Randy.  I once told her she made me fall asleep. Listening to her recording of “Blue” now, I realize that it wasn’t really Haley. It was the song. I have always disliked that song. And the news earlier today about her singing Zeppelin just cinched it. The girl has impeccable music taste.

But we have to start of with the king of Gorgonzola, Scotty “Eyebrow raise side leaning” McCreery. Of his three songs tonight, I hate one, am ambivalent about another, and had never heard the third. I’ll let you guess which is which. Yeas, “Amazed” ia one of those cheesy ass love songs about how perfect that other person is that makes me puke in my mouth a bit every time I hear it. Scotty’s vocal was fine for what it was.  His second song, Thompson Square’s “Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not” is one of the few songs on the planet I’m not familiar with in any shape or form. It was his best performance of the evening.

The less said about his Lawrence Welk audition with “She Believe’s In Me”, the better. That was horrific.

Lauren impressed me this week. She’s still in desperate need of proper vocal training- she was breathless and behind in her cadences most of the night. But she has a voice under all that spray tan, eye makeup, and hair extensions. But she sounded really good on both The Band Perry’s “If I Die Young” ( another song I don’t know) and “I Hope You Dance” ( a song that makes me blubber). I am, however, gonna have to tell her, as a huge Faith Hill fan, to never sing “Wild One” ever again. She just can’t pull of the sass and I can’t stand the fact she seemed to hyperventilate her way through that song, and she can’t outgrowl Haley, so that growly end to “I Hope You Dance” was a bit of a mess. I think Lauren earned the right to be a part of the finale. I just don’t think she has the fan base.

Haley, though, might make it in on pure talent, tenacity, and a fanatical Idol base tired of being manipulated. Nigel has been bitching all week about bloggers being brats. Well, you know what, Nigel? We are. We whine, we commiserate, we bitch. We also are smart enough to know that you read us all and you take notes. This week The judges threw out some very subtle critiques, particularly to Lauren.  Haley was however, praised, even during her last song. Granted, the judges did praise the right parts of “You Oughta Know”, and Haley did mess up a lyric. But those choruses were packed with WOW! I even liked “Rhiannon”, one of my all time favourite songs. It was a great contrast with her other two songs, the angry Alanis classic and the deep, rich textures of jazz, blues, and classic rock that was Led ZEppelin’s “What Is and What Should Never Be”. She may have tripped up the stairs during that performance, but she held it together and nailed that sucker.

It’s a tough one. I’ve seen Haley trending off and on through the night on Twitter. The raw numbers page on Dial Idol has Haley in a massive lead, even if she sits at the bottom of the predictions board.

So I’m going to hold to my all girl finale prediction from last week. I think Scotty’s “Fanbase” is actually less solid than people think. I rarely meet anyone who really, truly thinks he’s going to make it in coutry music. He’s not untalented as a singer, but we are talking country raido. Those PD’s are mean sonsofbitches.

I’m picking Scotty to go home. He lacked a real moment.

Against All Odds: An American Idol Miracle

First thing today, Nigel got all whiny about being slammed for manipulating his show today on Twitter. Wah, Nigel. Shut the fuck up.

Second, Lauren Alaina went up a couple of awesome points on the Kirsten scale by defending Haley in a post show interview with the press last night.  While defending her friend, she also took a dig at the judges for not offering up criticism and helping her along to a better place. Even Lauren Alaina knows something is funky.

Third- I’m kinda sad to see James go, because I find him so gosh darn endearing while being annoyed at him all the time. It’s a sad night, because I do maintain James is a good singer. He just needs to learn how to control that huge, rock star voice of his.

And when Haley was saved, the KPed household erupted into teenage shrieks, as Gwen (13) and Aislinn (10) both saw their favourite saved.

Two girls in the top three. I racked my brain for when the last time that happened was. I was sure it was the year Fantasia won. It turns out it was season six, when Melinda and Jordin faced Blake Lewis. I thought Melinda came in fourth that year, and Lakisha fifth. What can I say, the memory sucks now after three kids and turning thirty.

So the right three people made it to the top three ( let us have some revisionist history with that. I’m trying to not think about the save and Pia).

Here is to next week, where I hope Haley and Lauren mop the floor with Scotty, as I like him less and less the more I think about Wednesday’s performances.

A Letter To Nigel Lythgoe And the American Idol Judges

Dear Nigel, Randy, Jennifer, and Steven.

Fuck you.

Fuck you and your judges. And while we’re at it, fuck you with a chainsaw.

You allow James and Lauren to be overpraised for those atrocious performances, with four vocals that were wildly off-key ( I swear James was both sharp and flat SIMULTANEOUSLY while singing “Don’t Stop Believin’”), then bitch to Haley about song choice ( “Earth Song” was not a hit? Really? Where were they in 1995 when I couldn’t escape the Goddamned thing?), instead of PRAISING HER FLAWLESS VOCAL. Haley was the only one of the four to deliver near pitch perfect performances, and Scotty’s vocal quaver I forgive because it’s the first one he has had all season, and it was on a song I DON’T EVEN KNOW.

At least you gave Haley’s astounding version of “I (Who Have Nothing)” the standing ovation it deserved.

Honestly, you hypocritical bastards.

As it stands, I am here to tell you that I am giving you my two weeks notice. I will finish off this season. Then I will move on to The X-Factor with no regrets and watch a couple of real judges work. I heard L.A. Reid was brutal in auditions, making Simon Cowell look like- well, you guys.

Oh, and Randy, we all heard you say last week that you weren’t rooting for Haley. We know the show has always had a degree of manipulation. But the blatant obviousness of the manipulation this season has pissed me off. On top of that, the judges critiques are full of lies. I’m trained enough as a musician to know the difference between flat and on pitch. The only person to do that successfully this week was Haley.

I hope Haley wins to spite you four. I’ll buy her record. And she will be my last Idol.

Just. Fuck. Off.

Kirsten

American Idol: Where I Stand

I had so much hope for everything at the beginning of season ten. New judges. Lighter tone and less cruelty in the audition rounds. A Hollywood week that blew my mind. A one week elimination process that felt right for the most part ( KENDRA!!!! COME BACK!!!!)

What the fuck went wrong?

It’s more than the shitty, over positive judging that leaves no room for correcting bad habits and bad taste. It’s more than Piagate.

It’s the soullessness.

My favourite Idol contestants tend to be people with voices so spectacular you can’t ignore them ( Kelly, Carrie,  Elliot, David Cook) or innovators who push musical boundaries (Crystal, Kris, Adam, David Cook). This year has a strong vocal pool, but no one so amazing that I immediately went “Them. There. That one”. But I also suspect that the involvement of Jimmy Iovine and the production stable has sapped all adventure from our contestants. You can see it in the fights Haley, Casey, and James have had over song choice. Iovine’s unnecessary and mean comments last week in his taped piece about Haley just seems to confirm that. While I questioned Haley’s presence at the beginning of the season, she is one assured vocalist, and she is the only one showing any improvement, as she is the only one trying to find her self. You can argue that Idols should know themselves when they come in. But as one can see from the arrogance of James “Lusky Skank” Lusk, knowing who you are as a vocalist doesn’t make you a good one.

Haley clearly sang Lady Gaga’s “obscure” album cut “You And I” better than everyone else sang their songs save Scotty. Hell, it was the second best vocal of the night, after her pimp spot, show ending “House of the Rising Sun” (Siobhan who?). But those judges comments- unknown song? Only to a moron who has never heard of Lady Gaga. Come ON! I admit, I have a teenage daughter, I know Gaga’s albums pretty much word for word, note for note, Madonna rip-off for Madonna rip-off.  WE aren’t idiots. YOU are, judges.

Meanwhile, in deluded Lusky Shit Land, the judges gave a colonic irrigation with their tongues to the off-key stylings of Jacob. His horrible version of “No Air” made me forgive Chris Brown all his trespasses, and the desecration of “Love Hurts” was so painful it made Gwen scream in agony.

Hopefully, America is no longer crazy and sends this mofo home.

As for the rest- Lauren’s version of “Flat on the floor” was competent enough, but lacked the real conviction of Carrie’s original. She even ripped off Carrie’s hairstyle for the song. She’s not Carrie. stop trying to be Carrie, Wittle Wauren. And I am pretty sure both Simon Cowell and I told everyone on Idol to stop singing “Unchained Melody”, a song so perfect it is the closest thing I can call proof of God’s existence, on the second episode of Season one. But no, Lauren had to sing it, and completely fall apart towards the end, with several bad notes.  Scotty showed tremendous stage presence and performance pizzazz on “Gone”, and it was a Scotty performance nearly free of all cheese, so it’s my fave so far. “You Were Always On My Mind”  was more cheesy, but when I listened to it later without watching, it was a solid if safe vocal. And I still prefer the Pet Shop Boys version. Sorry, Willie. And James… I want to slap the person who let him sing “Without You”. That song belongs to one man and one man only. So unless you are somehow Harry Nilsson, STOP. SINGING. IT. His first song “Closer To The Edge”, by Jared Leto’s band 30 Seconds to Mars, fit him better. I liked it. I’m not a 30 Seconds to Mars fan, but I could listen to James sing it for a while and maybe come around.

Jacob has to go. I suspect the usual top five elimination process will happen- “Scotty- pick the two you think are in the top three. In Kirsten’s fantasy world split, it’s Haley and James to the left, Lauren and Jacob to the right. What, you went left? You are correct!”

Then Jacob goes back to Lusky Shit Land, and I only ever have to hear him again on the finale. Where he’ll sing with Anita Baker and people realize how FUCKING INSANE THE JUDGES WERE FOR LETTING HIM GET THIS FAR IN THE FIRST PLACE BY INSISTING HE WAS THE SECOND COMING OF VANDROSS!

Christ, you know Luther is somewhere weeping into a banana split with extra whipped cream in the afterlife.

If there is an afterlife.

Die, judges, Die.

I am so excited for X-Factor now that Cheryl Cole has been announced for it I could plotz.

WordPress doesn’t recognize the word “plotz”. Shame on you, WordPress.

American Idol Snark Post: I Can’t Take it Anymore

I watched the new NBC talent show The Voice on Tuesday and promptly fell in love. I had to miss Idol this week due to family commitments, and I didn’t miss it. I’m not happy about Casey being sent home, but… yeah. I’m not overly excited with who is left. Haley is charming enough, but really, there isn’t a lot making me want to watch.

There is no Idol recap as a result this week. And God help me about next week. Because I think Haley will probably go home. Then I can really stop caring.

I’m going back to write about Doctor Who now.

American Idol Snark Post #15: Bye, Bye Mon Squinty Eyed Dimpled Mediocre Singer

The show was completely worthless except for the fact David Cook sang and it was awesome. And Stefano went home finally and that was awesome.  And it looks as though Jacob and Haley are next in the go home queue.

Other than that- nada.

Well, this. This is always fantastic.

Yeah. Some things just make sense to me, and that does.

Amercian Idol Snark Post #14: Eyebrows, Smirks, and Haley

It’s now at the stage of the competition where tics and quirks start to annoy me. I give James a pass on this, naturally, the dude can’t help it, but both Scotty and Stefano are grating on my nerves, and Casey even irked me a bit tonight.

Even worse, the performances were all pretty mediocre, save for one.

First the worst, which was the eliminated contestants. What were they all thinking? That was the very definition of train wreck and did nothing to change my mind about who all went home.  I almost decided to go and watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One on Blu-Ray instead.

Scotty’s version of “Swingin’”, the very definition of Velveeta, did not make me feel better about sticking it out. It was just so meh. But the astonishing thing was the fact that both J.Lo and Randy CALLED HIM OUT ON SONG CHOICE. Scotty had ten years of great country to pick from, and after stepping back from a risk last week, he proved to be just immature enough to refuse to push ahead even though he knows he has others nipping at his frontrunner heels. He could have done something great or interesting, instead of the same MOR country crap he always does.

I loved the fact James picked Muse, but I did not like the shrieks at the end, and he was flat through out. THe screaming wrecked a simple but fantastic melodic vocal line. It was unnecessary.

Jacob continues to grow, as his surprisingly restrained-for-Jacob version of “Dance With My Father” was both emotional but tasteful-for-Jacob. I’ve question Jacob’s ability to pick songs and make choices all season, but he did right this week. But someone should smack Randy for saying he wants unrestrained Jacob. Church is fine sometimes, but the guy needs to not do it every single song, Randy. this was one song that didn’t need it.

Stefano’s “Closer” and Lauren’s “Born To Fly” were both snoozes. Stefano will be going home.

Casey’s “Harder To Breathe” was weird, because he clearly is Adam Levine in disguise. He sounded almost EXACTLY like Levine in this song. I didn’t like the stalking around the stage. And the kiss was fun but, again, way too much nonsense. Just sing, damn it.

Haley, though, wowed me. Her version of Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” was not, as J. Lo suggested, better in spots than Adele’s, but it was both the best vocal and performance of the week. I have gone from hating everything Haley is to loving her, and that has never happened to me with Idol before. My notes consist of two words- “Great vocal”. And it was. It wasn’t perfect, there was some sharpness, but it was the best package deal of the night. And I also love love LOVE that Adele track.

Bottom three- Stefano, Lauren, and Scotty SHOULD be, but I suspect it’ll be Stefano, Casey, and Jacob, because I do think it’s going to be a Lauren/Scotty final two and I don’t see them sitting on the silver stools of death any time soon.

Stefano to go. He’s running on borrowed time to begin with.

American Idol Snark Post #13 ( Back To CORRECT Numbering): Wake Up, Judges

I think I have something to say to you…

No, I don’t. I’m done with you.

Actually, I may have wanted Stefano to go, and thought maybe Piagate would send him there, but I prepared myself all day for the possibility of a Paul elimination. Good thing I did, as the raspy voiced quirkmeister headed away, along with his musical taste and Nudie suits. I’m sad, but I’m not in any way going to rant and rave. I knew Paul’s chances of winning were zero. But it was fun to have him there, and I will miss him. If he releases a record, let me know, I’d buy it.

I called the bottom three this week, correct for the first time all season. Haley was saved, and her duet with Casey was fan-freakin’-tastic. In fact, of all the music tonight, including KELLY CLARKSON! and Jason Aldean’s sleepy duet, were topped by the jazzy stylings of my two favourite growlers.

Overall, after two weeks of really amazing elimination shows, this weeks was just- blah. There was no controversy, no surprise guest stars (just Chaka- Chaka- Chaka Khan in the audience. Chaka Khan). THe performances, save for the jazz!, were mediocre. Scotty was even off-key during his duet with Wittle Wauren, shockingly. The Ford music video was lame… Rihanna’s song was lame… Kelly was awesome singing a lame song…

Lame.

I have nothing more to add. So I’ll see you next week. Or on Twitter.

American Idol Snark Post #11: Metal Health Will Drive You Mad

After the debacle that was last week, I was hoping that at least when I sat down and watched tonight’s Idol performances, the praise for praise sake would stop. I’m not denying the judges claim that the Idols this year are pretty strong across the board. But the desire to be liked is making me hate the judges in a way I have never hated them before. That being said, Pia did herself no favours by picking safe song choices and being so clinically perfect as to be mistaken by me to be a fembot. Owen Gleiberman at Entertainment Weekly delivered the best write up over the Pia controversy I have read all week, and Michael Slezak and Alexis Grace fell into the “It’s the tween’s fault” trap that annoys me about the whole debate. Everyone knows I love Slezak, but he is wrong wrong WRONG. And Alexis, I love you, but you sounded bitter. It’s not a good look, hon. Yes, you’re elimination at 11th place was a major travesty, but after the judges refused to save you, there was nothing I could do.

After that, this week had to be so fantastic, the world could end on a high note.

So…

Movie week proved to be interesting.

Haley, who has been going up my Idol fave chart the last couple of weeks by being bluesy and quirky, delivered a train wreck version of “Call Me”. It was horrifically off-key, and my heart sank.  I do appreciate the judges at least trying to be honest, in a roundabout way. None of them liked  the song choice. I didn’t either. Debbie Harry is a heavily stylized singer, and Haley doesn’t have the right voice to pull it off. The audience booed them. But it was the obvious bad performance of the night- it was clearly pitchy and messy in a bad way.  It was a safe performance for them to be critical of.

Paul’s strained and wonky paced “Ol’ Time Rock and Roll” broke my heart. It was just so not good. But the judges said nothing. Lauren sounded great for most of ” The Climb”, but in one run, she landed so flat on one note I swear to God I had to check to see if the world was indeed still spinning. The judges said not one word. Stefano’s performance of “End of the Road” was better than Ambien. Randy proclaimed that Stefano was in it to win it. Really, Mr. Obvious?

It was enough to almost make me throw my Idol note pad into the trash bin and go start watching The Situation do something.

But the good tonight was so incredibly good.

I don;’t agree with every vocal choice Casey made in “Nature Boy”, but man, I love the dude when he does jazz. Jazz, along with country music, is the truest of the American art forms, and it gets no love. I would love to see a jazzier artist win Idol, if my own jazz collection would back me up. I don’t think it will happen, but at least it’s something new on this stage.

The same thing can be said for James’s version of “Heavy Metal”, which has my vote for performance of the night. First off, he has ZAKK Motherfuckin’ WYLDE! playing guitar. Second- its metal on Idol. Genuine metal. He did it once with Judas Priest, but again? With Jimmy Iovine and Will.IJustLiveHereNow.Am telling him to not do that song? I admire James all the more for it.

Scotty sang that George Strait song well enough, but the clip of him singing the classic “Everybody’s Talkin’” makes me mourn for what I might have seen. I ould have declared Scotty this weeks winner if he did that Harry Nilsson classic. He played it safe. And I feel cheated, despite the performance he gave. “Everybody’s Talkin’” is a cool song. Scotty needs to do something cool.

Jacob, though, was wisely talked out of singing “The Impossible Dream”, a song only allowed to be sung by Richard Kiley, who is dead.  Jimmy gave Jacob the tow best pieces of advice this season- don’t tell the audience who votes for you they’re idiots, and you can’t be corny this week. “Bridge over Troubled Water” was indeed made for Jacob’s voice and stylistic choices. It’s a song that can handle the Over the top nature of Jacob. I think it’s Jacob’s best performance this season, and it was certainly more restrained than I thought it would be from him.

Overall, it was a half and half show, but the judges have apparently learned nothing much.

My bottom three are Paul, Haley, and Stefano. I’m ready to sacrifice Paul this week, as that was the wonkiest of wonky. But Haley was the worst of the week.  But I’m also afraid for Stefano, who might get a backlash from Piagate.

Sorry, Stefano, I think you might be a goner.

American Idol Snark Post #11: I’m Mad As Hell ( But I’m Still Gonna Take It)

I am pissed off. But not for the reason you might think.

I have been annoyed by American Idol’s judges. I can fault them for many, many things- inconsistency, platitudes, spinelessness, hypocrisy.

But in nine seasons of watching Idol, they have never offended me.

And they did tonight.

I am not a Pia fan, but I do acknowledge the technical brilliance of her voice. I find her cold and sterile as a performer, pageanty even. But I acknowledge her talent. She has the possibility to grow as a performer if she stops being so calculated and learns to be an artist as opposed to a vessel. I didn’t think Pia would be going home, although I did think both she and Jacob ( and Lauren, if we want to get really critical, here) needed a bottom three slot in order to get them to think about what they’re doing. I know Idol contestants read blogs and press. I know they know what we all think of them.  Idol is a fan driven show- everyone knows.

The only people oblivious are the judges.

I know I’m not the only Idol writer who has called Pia emotionless as a performer. No one has ever said she’s a bad singer in anything I have read. It’s all about how she connects with the audience. And the judges did her no favours by not saying something sooner ( J.Lo, to her credit, did begin to hint at it last night, but it was a baby step). The judges have been overly effusive this year, with little in actual, solid advice. Pia needed someone- ANYONE- to say to her that she was coming across cold. No one did.

Yes, Stefano should have gone home, based strictly on performance. He knew it, too. His face after the announcement was completely stunned, and I thought he was about to pass out.

No, this is not offensive to me. Because Idol is an audience driven show. And the audience who voted last night didn’t like Pia enough to vote her to safety. That’s the way the cookie crumbles. And 19′s gonna sign her overnight to a deal and everything will be okay for Pia. I was never worried about her post-Idol.

But the judges comments afterwards- THAT is what offended me. They have spent weeks telling everyone how perfect and beautiful and flawless they are. They are supposed to be giving honest critiques about how shrieky Jacob is, how soulless Pia is, how whiny Lauren is, how Scotty’s eyebrows are not endearing every minute of every song, how flat James can be, how Haley needs to growl less, how Casey and Paul both need to find the right key at moments- the contestants may be the strongest batch the show has ever had, but they are also heavily flawed raw talent that need proper guidance, and these judges aren’t giving it to them. If you squawk on and on about how perfect everyone every week is, and enough people believe it, the good ones are in danger of going home.

So first- stop being scared about hurting their feelings. TELL THEM THE UNVARNISHED TRUTH.  You don’t have to be Cowellesque about it. You can be honest without being mean.  But do it.

Secondly, the people who were not in the bottom three probably all felt like shit when you sat there and basically indicated that you think Pia is more worthy than them. Jennifer didn’t sob when Asht(h)on left. Randy wasn’t pissed off when Naima went home last week. There was no talk about how shocking and outrageous it was. It was a horrible, cruel thing to do. Poor Stefano already looked sick, and you basically told him that he did deserve to go, and that you basically have been lying to him.

So- keep perspective. someone will go home every week. and in a season with no clear front-runner, it will be someone you prefer over someone else.

Third. You basically told the American people they made the wrong choice. No they didn’t. They made their choice. When you have a show that uses a past the post system to determine a winner, the one who wins is the one with the biggest fan base. We fool ourselves every year that Idol is a singing competition. It’s never been one. It’s a popularity contest, and Pia didn’t speak to enough people this week. When democratic voting happens, the people are never wrong. Disagree, but my God, Steven Randy Jennifer- DO NOT TELL THEM THEY ARE WRONG.

The people are never wrong. Not when it comes to silly little reality shows. This isn’t the free world they’re running here. It’s pop music.

The judges offended me tonight by showing their true colours- they talk out of their asses and tell everyone how perfect they are, and then chastise the voting public when they don’t get their way.

Other than Pia going home, the only other thing worth mentioning is Iggy Pop doing “Real Wild Child”, because Iggy Pop is the king of all that is good in the world.

I am so fucking mad at the judges I could spit acid.

American Idol Snark Post #10 ( As I Now Number These Correctly): Come On, Come On, Come On…

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame week turned out not to be a train wreck. Who knew?

I honestly believe that these top nine are, as a whole, the best and most consistently good group of singers Idol has ever pulled together. There ain’t a lot of Sanjaya/Gokey (shudder) happening here. This is not a claim that it’s the best season ever. It’s not. That was season seven. But- I didn’t outright hate a single performance tonight.

I thought the worst of a strong bunch was Stefano, who really didn’t do anything new with “When a Man Loves A Woman”; Lauren, who gave a competent turn singing “(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman”; and Jacob, who ruined a really fantastic “Man In the Mirror” by over singing the chorus. Stefano was just fine. She sang a song way too old for her.  These are not egregious issues, but when everyone else took it up a notch, “good” isn’t good enough. Jacob, though, would have won my favourite of the night if he just hadn’t done the chorus. His verse, and the end line, were spot on perfect.

For instance, Casey brought out the stand up bass, a mandolin, and some CCR to give his best performance since Hollywood week. His version of “Have You Ever Seen The Rain” had the benefit of being a song that is not overused on Idol ( another problem with Lauren’s song choice is the frequency of “Natural Woman” covers, which I must admit she now rules the Idol roost with hers). CCR on Idol? It just felt fresh.James did a Beatles song that also hasn’t been overdone, and his moody “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” was also a fine vocal mired by one really bad vocal choice, but James only did his for one note, not an entire chorus, so it’s easier to forgive. Scotty sounded great on”That’s All Right, Mama”, but I’m getting to the point where I can’t watch him perform, with the leanin’ and the smirkin’ and the eyebrow thingy. And Pia the Fembot (©®™Æ), who should punch Gwen Stefani’s lights out for giving her that jumpsuit, sounded technically great, but still left me cold. I don’t get Pia, who is the best singer bar none they have. But I hate her. It’s not because she’s a pretty girl with a great voice. It’s because I don’t believe a damn thing she sings. It’s frustrating.

 

Which leads me to Haley and Paul. How Haley went from being the girl who put me asleep to being my number two is mind-boggling. There is the fact she appears to lack a filter, and her awkwardness and enthusiasm are charming as all hell.  But she is one of the few contestants who appears to be listening to the team around her in a constructive way, and her “Piece of My Heart” was a flawed gem if there ever was one. Not every note was right, but the ones that were spot on were spectacular.

And Paul? For the second week in a row, he’s my favourite. From the mildly creepy but still lovely(to MY ears) “Rocket Man” to the messy, rough and tumble, vocals expanding “Folsom Prison Blues”, I just like the guy so damn much, and I would probably buy his album. I know people are gonna bitch about the smile blinding them during a song about doin’ time for shooting some asshole in Reno because you were bored and all, but I don’t care, just like all those Gokey fans didn’t care about the fact Gokey was the worst thing to happen to Idol since Sanjaya made me hate a Kinks song.

Wow, this piece got cranky, dinnit?

My bottom three are clearly Stefano, Jacob, and Lauren. And a guy (specifically, Stefano) is going home.

 

Idol Snark Post #8: Band on the Run

I will not get to say Pia Thia Megia again until the finale.  That’s probably been my favourite thing to say at home all season.  Sigh.

The show still begins each episode with the overblown hype that they have perfected over the first nine seasons, but honestly, was anyone surprised that Thia and Naima went home? Really? They did have the two weakest performances last night.

I have to admit that the lack of a group number and the grouping off of Idols was a great thing. I thought Scotty and Lauren were a major win with their lovely little country duet, and Naima sounded really good on “Solid” ( Jacob sounded like Foghorn Leghorn). The other girls “Teenage Dream” was alright, and the guys sloppy “Band on the Run” had its charm, but mostly it proved that there is indeed a voice issue with Paul, as  in he’s suffering from something. His tone’s unique, but he’s not pushing his voice much. I’m thinking the whisper touches are less aesthetic choices and more to save his vocal chords.

Fantasia, the soul queen of the Idol stage, came back and showed them yungins how to sell a song, even if it’s weirdly titled like “Collared Greens and Cornbread”. She looked better than she has in a while, and she gave the Idols the best and most practical advice ever on that stage. “It can throw you things that you are just not ready for,” she warned. The woman has lived an actual life. I wonder how much some of those kids really, really, really LOVE music. I get the impression most of them do. I also think a couple of them need to figure out what it is about music they do actually love.

I will not mention the other performers. Or that atrocity called a song.

Paul being in the bottom over Stefano surprised me, as I thought “Tiny Dancer” was one of the worst of the night and “Rocket Man” one of the better ones. But reading the comments all over the web is quite enlightening. People really hate his voice. I guess it’s all a personal choice. I love it.

Kris Allen looks good, too. I still like him, and I stand by my choice of him over Adam. I know that irritates people. But I listen to Kris’s album more than Adam’s ( listen to Allison’s even more than that, but we must let bygones be bygones).

Next week is the theme “Rock and Roll Hall of Fame”. How wonderfully broad a theme.

Bye bye to Naima, whom I think can still succeed in the business, and to Thia, who I think has a nice tone but is clearly on the robot side of things.  I wish them both well.

Now-  the real competition.

American Idol Snark Post #8: You Can Tell Everyone This Is Your Song

I admit it. The problem with this season’s contestants is the fact they don’t suck. The judges and America set up a top eleven that were generally solid singers. Some have horrendous habits, but overall, none of them are out-and-out terrible. I don’t viciously hate anyone, even if I think there is some immaturity and some ego issues. The group we have are all pretty good. Which is why all Idol experts are stumped at who the front-runner is. Most people, myself included, have Scotty winning based on the fact that he’s a good singer who is sure of his style and place in music, and he has yet to make a serious misstep in the voting rounds. This can change.

Not this week, though.

First- the bad. And bad means Naima. Oh, Naima, that was… I almost never hit the mute button. I’ve fallen asleep, changed the channel, left the room, but the mute button, in my mind, is the most offensive thing I can do to an Idol contestant. It means I don’t want to hear you, even faintly in my kitchen. Once I heard the Jamaican accent on “I’m Still Standing”, I went straight for my remote. Naima has a great voice, and is willing to do new things on the Idol stage, but… that was thirty seconds of horrible. I couldn’t bear a second more. And judging the judges- they didn’t like it much, either. And then there is poor Stefano, who went from first to among the worst, and this week did nothing to really redeem himself in my eyes, as I am now noticing vocal tics and strange pronunciations coming from him . What’s leeinin? I’m thinking Stefano and Naima are the two going home this week.

The mediocre this week include Lauren, who keeps singing well, but annoys me by acting like a spoiled whiny brat. She pulled of an above competent version of “Candle In The Wind”. Too bad I just want to send her to detention for a year for rolling her eyes and acting all… ARGH! Thia actually sounded good on “Daniel”, and I think she moved herself up the concert tour ladder with that performance. Jacob was very un-Jacob like on “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word”, and didn’t go where I thought he would.  Haley sounded better on “Bennie and the Jets” than I had ever heard her before. James was hamstrung by the fact “Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting” is the only really kick ass Elton song Fox would likely let him sing ( sorry, no “The Bitch is Back”), but he sounded good. Not great, just good. Pia the Fembot (™, ®, ©) hits every fucking note, but continues to put me off with the pageant style. And Scotty was just as good as he was ever was, and found one of Elton’s true country songs to sing.

Then there was Paul’s wonderfully, insanely quirky and moving “Rocket Man”. Thank God Nigel allowed the instruments back. The restrained, oddly phrased yet compelling performance Paul gave was a real moment for me.

But the performance of the night was last week’s eliminated fool turned saved humbled returner Casey Abrams, who sat on a stool, and sang. Simply, elegantly, straight forward, with no growling like a maniac and stuff. It was lovely, and he earned his place back onto the show quickly.

If push comes to shove, I think it’s Naima and Stefano going home, although Haley and Thia continue to be at risk. If any of the middle bunch were in the bottom three I wouldn’t be surprised. Everyone (outside Naima and Stefano) were really quite good.

I guess we’ll see tomorrow.

Idol Snark Post #7: Save Me From the Freaks Who Suspect That They Can Never Love Anyone

WTF?

What. The. Fuck?

Wha’?

I’m still, nearly 10 hours later, trying to figure out what happened.

How did Haley not slide into the bottom three? How did Thia and Stefano not go home? How did CASEY- who wasn’t great but certainly not even close to the worse this week- get eliminated? Why do people hate the beard so much ( seriously, comments boards are violently anti-beard. At least Andrew Sullivan has Casey’s back)?

And why did the judges use the save?

Frankly, the entire episode reeked of manipulation and meta nonsense. Between the Hulk Hogan cameo (earning groans from my wrestling and reality TV hating family), the horrible group sing ( seriously, lose the group sing. I hate them all during the group sing), and the completely effed up Ford Music Video ( I really hate them all),  and RyRy acting like some sort of deranged Brit presenter circa 1982 (I’m thinking Top of the Pops, but Paula Yates on anything might also be an apt comparison)- it was a weird and entertaining show.

I must admit, I like the Sugarland song, but I am a Jennifer Nettles devotee. And I worship J-Hud. (Nice to see George Huff there, too, singing behind the Oscar-winning Goddess. I loved George’s version of “Take Me To the Pilot”).

But the bottom three, while not wholly surprising, did shock when Casey was sent packing, only to be rescued a mere five seconds into his “make it or break it” song by the judges declaring that there is no need to discuss, Casey is staying. Casey’s reaction was the most amusing thing, even if I was genuinely scared for the dude, as he looked about ready to pass out on poor RyRy. Gwen bet he was gonna “vomit comet” the stage.

I would have paid a million dollars to see that.

Overall, while this week accomplished nothing, it was surprisingly a good week entertainment wise. Lord knows I now expect every Idol elimination show to be that bizarre.

Thanks, Nigel. You somehow left me perplexed and amused.

Idol Snark Post #6: Where’s The Kool Aid At?

Once again I am at a loss. What do the judges hear in that place? It’s not what I’m hearing.

First: the bad. Haley.  That was the true train wreck moment, a disaster of epic proportions, a surefire go home on Thursday card. Her version of “You Really Got A Hold on Me”, one of the greatest of the Motown love songs, was loungey and showed off the thinness of her voice, and she clumped around on stage like a hippo. It was painful to watch, and then they all praised her for it. What the eff, judges?

And then Thia- oh, Thia, who just is completely uninteresting and unable to complete her phrasing and just so- ugh. I have never seen in her the “greatness” the judges do. I certainly don’t hear any special tone. If there is one, it don’t play well on TV. And “Heatwave” must be retired, as it will always sound dated.

Stefano, sweetie with the cute lil’ dimple. That was a big fat no, and you lost all good will. “Hello” is a terrible song unless you are playing a Les Paul marked “AC” and with pre-makeover hair, singing it with an impassioned rock and roll growl.

Then there comes the “meh”. Lauren is “meh”. I still get the attitude from her, and she rolls her eyes while talking out of her ass about leanin’ to not take criticism too personal and y’all. I said previously that entitlement seeps from her pores, and I will not change my mind. It’s like she expects to win simply because she’s Lauren and she’s the best. Her vocal this week wasn’t all that great, and “You Keep Me Hanging On” is a fantastic song to sing. She had the attitude, mind you, but attitude only goes so far.

Jacob gets a “meh- wait, maybe not”. Marvin Gaye is soul brother number one, and his duets with Tammi Terrell are possibly my favourite Motown tracks. ” You’re All I Need” is certainly in my Motown top five. And kudos, Jacob, for not overdoing it ( it would have been easy to go all Praise Jesus over that song). I’m still not 100% convinced about Jacob’s voice or taste level, but I did really like this week’s performance. I said it. Bring it.

We knew Scotty would be a tough one, and it turns out “For Once In My Life” wouldn’t make a bad country song. I’m not the biggest Scotty fan, but I recognize that he is well suited to his genre and is actually petty much pitch perfect vocally. He rarely makes a vocal slip up, and he’s still pushing his boundaries. He’s a brave soul. It wasn’t super awesome, but it was at least good. I was expecting full on catastrophe.

Pia the Fembot™  gave another patented Pia the Fembot™ ballad the pitch perfect, technically spot on vocals that had absolutely no soul. When I watch her perform all I can see is “pageant hand”. I want to set her up on stage in a straight jacket shrieking to the Ramones “Psychotherapy” if it meant one performance where she wouldn’t do the damn “pageant hand”.  And I might not then trademark Pia the Fembot  (™).

Casey, whom I adore, really didn’t do much new with “I Heard It Through The Grapevine”. It was a solid vocal. But it wasn’t spectacular. Casey is in danger of boring me. That’s not good.

Now, for the good.

Naima, full-throated and controlled on “Dancing In the Streets”, bringing in the African drums. Maybe the breakdown dance break was a bit much, but it was at least interesting. It was by far her best vocal in weeks, though, and that helps.

James can sing pretty much anything as an Axl Rose song, as his “Living For The City” proved tonight.  I love the fact he’s comfortable with who he is, and I also love the fact we all know he has that rock scream and he keeps using it with surprising judiciousness.

But my favourite this week was Paul, who looks less spastic with his guitar, and did a sweet and folky version of “Tracks of My Tears”.  I like his vibe, and his taste level is superb.  But in a week with a lot of sound alike performances and some really weird judging, he was a breath of fresh air. The arrangement was both familiar and new. And that voice is just so cool.

My bottom three are Thia, Haley, and Stefano, with Haley going home. She just doesn’t have anything to bring. Bye bye, Haley. Nice knowing you.

 

Idol Snark Post #5: Leon Trotsky Got An Ice Pick That Made His Ears Burn

The title is just a fancy, music geek way of saying “No More Heroes”. Or “Hero”, as the case may be. Thanks to the Stranglers.

Ultimately, I was right about who would be eliminated, and Karen was sent en su camino feliz. The group number was less terrible but still awful. Lee Dewyze was fine. RyRy seems to be entering Mean Girl World. The Black Eyed Peas suck. Jennifer Lopez looks gorgeous no matter what.

Basically, this was the show. And all I have to say is: what a tremendous waste of time.

Still grooving to David Cook’s “Don’t You (Forget About Me)”. Love that.

Seriously, weren’t they supposed to make these show thirty minutes? Why did that change? So Black Eyed Peas could desecrate a classic Depeche Mode song?

Answer me, Nigel Lythgoe! ANSWER ME!

Idol Snark Post #4: New Word Is Messiotrionic

Messiotrionic. The ability to create a histrionic mess.

Learn it. Love it. Go with it.

That’s what happened tonight on that stage. It was like watching a train wreck, only with boring songs, save for a couple of choices, and then they added underwhelming vocals and overwhelming pitch issues.

I just wanted to be whelmed by the time Jacob sang. Which meant absolutely nothing to him, as he tore Heart’s epic, Carrie Underwood owned power ballad “Alone” apart and proceeded to gospel it up and not allow the band a chance to actually shine ( I hate singers who feel the need to bridge every lyric with runs and vocal gibberish. Just. Shut. Up.) But at least it was an unexpected song choice for Jacob, as was Paul wobbly, rambling, imperfect but still somehow utterly charming rendition of “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues”, with quirky asides and wonky dancing included. As for the best of the rest, Stefano’s “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” was the best straight up vocal of the night, strongly sung and soulful rendered. Scotty was a close second with a copy cat but great vocal on Travis Tritt’s “Can I Trust You With My Heart”, which did push the deep voice into a higher and surprisingly relaxed upper range.

Then there are the bad- Karen’s “Love Will Lead You back” wasn’t only pitchy, but dull. So dull. I keep forgetting about het every week.  Thia also suffered from the wretched curse of being totally blah. Haley may have a good voice, but she has no ability to pick a song, which is killing  her and not helping her case with me. James had a good vocal, but I hate that Bon Jovi song with a deep passion. Naima is blowing it with poor song choice, as the oddball I pictured her being vanishes behind Tina Turner songs sung a hundred times on Idol.

Then there are the others: Pia, Casey, and Lauren. Pia did nothing to eliminate her new role as Idol Fembot as she delivered a competent, soulless version of that awful Whitney ballad “Where Do Broken Hearts Go”. Being technically on top of it but emotionless is worse than what Karen did. Lauren Alaina, whom I still despise as the producers try to shove her in my face every thirty seconds as their little princess winner, did the one billionth rendition of “I’m The Only One”, and I’m sure Melissa Etheridge is somewhere going “Enough already, I’ve written better songs, sing them, for Christ’s sake.”

Then there is Casey.

I adore Casey. His taste level for music is high.  He’s a gifted singer with a penchant for unique tunes. But singing Nirvana? On Idol? I admire his cojones, even if I now think the Cobain estate should have said no. It was the most copycat of all his performances and it wasn’t wholly successful, but it was an interesting experiment. I wish I liked it more, and I might have if that song wasn’t so sacred to me.

I’m calling Haley, Thia, and Karen to be bottom three, and Karen will likely be heading home.  But overall, this week was a major downer. Too bad.

Idol Snark Post #3: Get Well Soon, Casey

The news that Casey Abrams- future bassist and vocalist of the Abrams and Friends folk band and my Idol 2011 winner- was once again in the hospital due to stomach pains started off this elimination show that saw some changing up of RyRy’s cruelty and J. Lo’s ability to look fantastic while holding back the tears. It  also has a group number that was sung live- terribly. Those voices just don’t mesh. And as Gwen said midpoint through the leaden performance- “Stop doing Michael Jackson. Just stop.” I concur.

As for the other two performances- Adam Lambert’s “Aftermath” was surprisingly light and restrained, and Diddy Dirty Money made me like a Diddy song. Which means the world is ending tomorrow at about five p.m.

The fact Asht(h)on went home was no surprise- I picked her for singing an unknown song so badly. She sang that song again, which was just so dumb, but even if she nailed it this time, there was no way they’d use the judges save on her. Bye, Asht(h)on. I won’t miss your terribly flat voice, or the Sanjaya inspired hair you had tonight.

Other points:

• The Ford Commercials are still the worst things in the history of TV.
• Lauren Alaina has a good voice, but needs about three years to grow the fuck up. The entitlement seeps from her more than any other contestant in history.
• And did y’all see Lauren’s mum’s HAIR? It has its own zip code.

Idol Snark Post #2: To Sleep, Perchance To Dream

It doesn’t bode well, Haley, if one falls asleep during your performance.

Which I did. I woke up at four in the morning, still wanting to kidnap Casey Abrams to start a folk band.

I clearly have two horses in this race- Casey and his voice, and Paul and his impeccable music taste. The girls are all bland ( but then again- I missed Naima’s polarizing version of “Umbrella”). They’re singing the same types of songs. Celine, Miss Ross, Shania- it’s enough to make me fall asleep just typing.

I would never be able to sleep through Jacob or James- both have tremendously powerful voices that shake your core even through the telly. But James showed surprising maturity in his version of ” Maybe I’m Amazed”, one of the half-dozen Macca solo tracks worthy of existing. Jacob’s performance of R. Child Pornographer Kelly (allegedly) was wild ( in a bad way), off key, and bizarre. Casey’s “A Little Help From My Friends” was faithful to the Joe Cocker source track, but it still felt fresh and modern to me. Paul’s quirky voice was serviced well by the Ryan Adam’s song he chose, but the boy clearly needs to hold his guitar and get away from the Michael Stipe- Thom Yorke school of dance.

As for the ladies- Asht(h)on’s Diana Ross song was awful. Lauren Aliana was also dull as dishwater, but really annoyed me by being a brat when she didn’t get tonnes of praise for being TERRIBLE. Pia was technically very good but I’m convinced she’s a fembot. And Haley- thanks from this insomniac. I needed the sleep.

My pick to leave- based completely on the fact that I only saw seven and a half performances- goes to Asht(h)on, though I heard Thia was horrendous and it wouldn’t surprise me if she left as well.

2011 Idol Snark Post #1: Just… No. Boys and Girls… Just No.

Two nights. Two. And this is what I have to say.

Oh, come on!

If it weren’t for Casey Abrams, I’d write off the damn thing.

The girls were terrible. The boys were mediocre.

Steven and Jennifer were effusive and uncritical. When Randy is the voice of reason, something is wrong.

And DO NOT SING SONGS BY FORMER IDOL WINNERS. Also, stop singing “Fallin’”. How many fucking times do I have to tell you girls, stop singing that song?

Every goddamned year.

Although, I give credit to James for singing Judas Priest. Never thought I’d see the day. And Thia wasn’t horrible.

As it is, there is too much screechy shit, too many runs, too many off-key performances, too many weird dance moves, too many people I already dislike intensely ( Clint Jun, Lauren Alaina, Jordan). I just want it all to stop.

Casey for the win. I love Mumford and Sons. And he looks like he belongs in that group. And I also love “I Put A Spell on You”, which was TyraBanksSays FIERCE.

I swear these reviews will get better once I start really giving a damn. Somewhere around top four.

 

American Idol Snark Post: I’m Sorry, I Got A Speck of Glitter in My Eye *Sniff*

Idol makes it hard for me every year with the sob stories. I tend to get aggravated by them. Because so much focus is not on the (supposed) talent of the Idol wannabe and on the fact they overcame some sad but ultimately life affirming thingy. In the end, its how they handle themselves. David Cook handled his brother’s cancer with class. Danny Gokey pimped his dead wife. Guess who I ended up voting for?

But Idol decided not to play fair this year and presented me with Paris, a 23-year-old mum with a hearing impaired five-year-old.

Fuck, Idol.

I’m a mother of a hearing impaired eight-year-old. We mums of DAHH kids tend to fight for each other because it’s a tough life trying to communicate with someone with limited resources.  Since her daughter uses hearing aids, I know that there is an ability for vocalization, but I really just want to go down to New Orléans and hug poor Paris and tell her that she has a group of people across the world that support her without even knowing her. And then tell her to move to Canada because Universal Health Care means my daughter gets new hearing aids every five years for free. Those things are expensive.

Paris, though, had a lovely voice that was brought down by nerves and pitch issues. Plus she sang an Idol winners song. Big no-no in Kirsten’s world. Don’t do that.

The rest of the contestants on this brief episode ( only an hour- huge sigh if relief) were perfectly pleasant. A lot of strong voices in the Big Easy, and several went through. There was the dude who showed his abs and basically slobbered all over Jennifer Lopez ( yeah, she’s gorgeous, but come on, people). The girl who gave Randy a bunch of photos and a visit with his high school (fake) football coach. J.C., the fifteen year old who looks like the kid animated in Up and sang like an angel. But my fave was Brett, the dude with the squeaky speaking voice, Mick Hucknall hair, and the ability to make me pay attention to “Bohemian Rhapsody” again.

I like the fact they are keeping the highly delusional off this year, and that the ones they have dismissed as not being good enough have taken it so well. No security guards to haul Idol wannabes out this season!

I hope it gets less mundane, though. Soon.

American Idol Snark Post: Batshit and Then Some

I usually don’t write about Idol this early. The audition rounds are meaningless to me.  But with the sparkly brand new judging panel starting out, I had to watch.

This is my assessment.

Randy is no Simon. He lacks the verbosity needed to be Simon. Hell, if Randy can just not say “What up dawg” for one episode, I’d consider that growth. But he is now our senior judge and the last word. Hopefully, he can remember that he is supposed to be searching for real talent, and not get into a pissing match with anyone.

Jennifer Lopez was once in a mentorship role on Idol, and I remember her being a really good one. Her diva rep certainly followed her as she negotiated her contract, but ultimately she comes across as warm and friendly. She’s Paula like without the random tangents and weird speechifying.

Steven Tyler is batshit. I like batshit. I also love people who live and breathe music, and he does. He can’t resist a join in, adding a “Whoo!” or some percussive noise. HE combines the love of music with the Paula-esque wackiness. I love him even more for it.

The show itself benefitted from less crazy itself- there were a couple of bad auditions, but none of the dismissed where delusional on an epic scale. There were some dubious choices- I like Ashley’s voice, but she’s all wrong for the Idol machine, she needs to get her ass to Broadway now. But mostly, I was impressed by the judges critiques and the Idol wannabes that went through.

Lastly- I want a place to say “What’s with the jujubees on your yooyoobees?” Something tells me this season is gonna net me some quotables, baby.

American Idol Snark Post # Finale Night- What Would You Do If I Sang Out Of Tune?

Pomp and circumstance, pomp and circumstance, pomp and circumstance…

Thanks God somethings never change.

We are ending an Idol journey tonight. Simon leaves after the end of this two-hour mess. I’m sadder about that than I am about this season ending.

RyRy announces that the vote was close ( much closer than Dial Idol is letting on). Less than 2% separate first and second. Cool. I guess.

The top twelve take the stage with young guitar phenom Orianthi  for a terrible rendition of “School’s Out”. This top twelve never quite gelled for their group numbers. And what is with the zombie choir.

I hated it til Alice himself took to the stage. That makes up for almost every crime Idol has ever committed. Show ‘em how it’s done, Vince Furnier. The man’s a God.

( This might be just my Alice Cooper fanaticism coming out. I know all the words to “Poison” to this very day. I adore the man.)

They bring back our reigning champ ( say his name everyone- KRIS ALLEN). I don’t care what people say about him- I like his album better than Adam’s ( I like Allison’s best of all, but I digress). It was a rough start, a rarity for Kris. I think that has to do with the fact that whoever Idol hired to handle their sound tonight neglected to shut down RyRy’s mic and it played back in Kris’s monitors ( it’s happened, trust me).

A Simon retrospective. God, I’m gonna miss him. This is the funniest thing ever on Idol. Yes, Dunkleman, you have been replaced.

Siobhan and Aaron get saddled with singing together, singing “How Deep Is Your Love” ( oh, kill me, I hate this song. I used to love it, but I sang it every night for three years to my middle daughter because it put her to sleep. Fortunately, she discovered Tori Amos, and I spent two more years singing “Jackie’s Strength” to her instead. I skipped the second verse.) The living BeeGees come out and join them, and it’s all perfectly pleasant.

Mikey Lynche pops up and reminds me that his voice is pretty spectacular ( I still think he’s the best TECHNICAL male singer they had this year). And in another display of MOR music taste, he sing’s with Michael McDonald. Damn it, the Doobie Brothers? Really? Whatever. McDonald has one of the better blue-eyed soul voices in history, and it’s all perfectly pleasant once again.

I have the distinct feeling I’m gonna be saying “perfectly pleasant” a lot.

Dane Cook is seriously unfunny.

Ummmm… Lacey tacking Xtina with that wafer thin voice? Didi? Katie? I know I have been espousing the idea of imperfection this season, but there is imperfect and there is terrible. And considering the notes those three missed in their lines, without charm or conviction to back it up, I will say it again- if you can’t hold pitch, you need to have something else to offer. Siobhan even struggled with Xtina’s “Fighter”, and Paige- just no, hon. See, Siobhan’s “Paint It Black” was sharp, but she made up for it by being interesting and bold.

Thank God, Christina herself came out to show them how it is supposed to go. Christ. That new song of hers is terrible. And she sounds tired.

Ricky Gervais is one of the funniest men in the world. He made me snicker.

Lee leads off a very crappy version of Hall and Oates ” I Can’t Go For That”. Dirty little secret- I love Hall and Oates. I appreciate great blue-eyed soul.  None of these guys are good enough. Simple as that.

Crystal sings an unfortunate song choice. Not because I dislike Alanis, or think that she sounded bad ( in fact, she sounded great). I hate this fucking song. The writer in me just wants to pummel people. “Ironic” sucks. “You Oughta Know”, however, is a girl anthem classic, and I adore it. Alanis sounds weaker than usual, but Crystal soared.

Carrie Underwood returns and reminds us all we sometimes get it right ( and I’m speaking as a Bo fan). Plus, I love girls who get ‘em selves engaged to NHL players. she sound good, she looks great, the song sucks, but she rises above. Kara helped CU write it. Explains a lot.

Lee and Crystal get free Fords and their last Ford shill video. Boo-yah.

Casey comes on, and he gives us a version of “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn”. He sounds great. If he just chose his songs better… sigh. Missed opportunities. But lord, my heart soared when Bret Michaels came out and joined him. Considering the health risks involved… good on you Bret.

RyRy announced that MySpace will help next season in searching for crap, and then lee sings the songs of Chicago. Not a good fit.  Or maybe it’s the fact I hate Chicago. the band, not the city. The city is awesome. Go Cubs.

But that is the worst performance ever on an Idol finale.

Simon is a good sport, and it cracks me up.

Hey, it’s the “Pants On The Ground” dude! Let’s face it, folks, this was the most memorable thing all season.

Paula talks about Simon, and I have just realized how much I miss our boozy girl.

She looks fine!  Paula, you are one classy dame. She’s still our kooky girl, as emotion takes her on a bit of a ramble.

Man, can we tolerate Idol without Simon?  I guess we’ll find out.

Now we get the whole line up? Kelly, Ruben, Carrie, Fantasia, Taylor, Kris, Jordin- everyone except DC, who had a prior commitment. And other contestants follow suit. Archie, Allison, Constantine, Ace, Elliot, Blake, Kristy Lee, this season’s top twelve…

Pretty spectacular, and for just a moment, I forgot that my love hate relationship with Idol has been mostly hate this year. The show has brought us some spectacular talent over the years.

Simon is on the verge of tears. He actually has a heart under those neck T-shirts.

The top twelve are back, singing ” Again”, that really pretty Janet Jackson song from 1993 that was nominated for an Oscar…terribly.  And there is JJ herself with a very severe cut to the hair. I don’t care, I am unabashed in my love for Janet. I get a nice little ballad, then we get some ” Nasty Boys”. Kickass. And hey, she’s singing live.

Say what you will, JJ is old school awesome.

We are now five minutes away from the end of one very atrocious season. We get the looking back video, we get Lee singing ” What would you do if I sang out of tune” with a completely straight face ( dude), but they then brought out Joe Cocker, and all is perfect in the universe. Because Joe Cocker is FUCKING AWESOME.

RyRy returns to his element, spouting off useless info while trying to build tension for something that is feeling like it was ordained- that Crystal Bowersox will not win AI9.

And Lee Dewyze is our new American Idol.

Well… I saw that one coming.

Okay, I’m not happy with this result. I like Lee, I can see his commercial viability. I get why Simon began pimping him. But he has been wildly inconsistent. I haven’t been as hard on him because I can see the potential. In fact, the potential of the top three this season has been greatly undervalued. But this season went wrong back in the semifinals, when people like Lilly and Katelyn and Alex were eliminated and Paige and Andrew and Tim made it through. I had pegged a Casey/ Lee-Crystal-Siobhan-Mike top four, and I wasn’t that far off.  I did not predict a Lee win because I recognized while there is an underlying talent there, it wasn’t as assured as Crystal’s and it wasn’t based in the musicianship of Casey.  Lee lacks the technical ability vocally that Mike has and isn’t oozing in personality like Siobhan.

But I am trying not to rain on the guy’s parade. He won Idol fair and square ( or by “Cougar” and “tween”- whatever).

The ultimate thing is this: there is no way to know. We don’t know what will happen. Lee Dewyze could have the greatest album ever by an Idol winner. He could be Taylor Hicks ( and that assessment is actually unfair, because I still like Taylor, who is a really nice guy. Would you rather Kat McPhee won season five? I’d rather Elliott Yamin won season five, but that wasn’t the top two I got).

Am I breaking up with Idol? Perhaps. I say it every year. Simon leaving might push me that way.

But again- who knows what will happen when Idol 10 begins in January 2011.

American Idol Snark Post # Almost Done: Up To The Mountain

The hell that has been season nine is coming to an end, and the two most deserving contestants not eliminated in the semis ( Lily *sniff*) are standing tall, awaiting the crappy song that will be their first single.  Lee and Crystal have impressed me with their bewildered expressions and humble acceptance of praise throughout the season, and frankly, I wish them both well in the future.

After the typical intro of flashbacks to Chicago, where both Lee and Crystal proclaim that they could be the “Next American Idol”. Lee still looks like he’s lost somewhere amongst the teals of the paint aisle. Lee was proclaimed the future winner by both Simon and Randy over the last week.

Lee wanted to be a baseball player… aww. And it explains the awesome first pitch he threw. And he gives us an encore of “The Boxer”, which I adored enough to buy it.  He sounds good. What else can I say? It’s low-key, but I don’t care so much. This whole season has been such a train wreck that I prefer low-key.

Crystal’s first song of the night is “Me and Bobby McGee”which I thought she did better the first time, but I still loved this one to bits and pieces. She’s just so sure of the person she is and it shines through. The judges are over-pimping her.  Don’t they ever learn?

Lee gets “Everybody Hurts”, from R.E.M., a song that is deceptively hard to sing. And it exposes all those pitch problems.  Oh no no no.

See, “Everybody Hurts” is one of my all time favorite self-pity tracks, and R.E.M. is one of my all time favorite bands. I do not look upon covers of the song well. It must be perfect. Every. Single. Time. It was a mess of an arrangement and  he was searching for the key the entire song.

Too bad I still can’t quite hate him. He’s so goddamned likeable.

Crystal lands “Black Velvet”, which does suit her so very very well. I love this song, I love her, I love it all.

Just-love.

And no gee-tahr.

I think Crystal just won this mutha.

Then we come to the dreaded “first singles” round of the night. Oh, I am filled with dread. Two genuinely likeable contestants…

Lee’s first single is U2′s “Beautiful Day”?

I just had a whoa moment. Apparently, my disinterest in this season has caused me to neglect the news that the Idols are getting established hits to be their first singles.

Okay, “Beautiful Day” is a U2 song I like but am not WOW! about ( it’s no “One”).  And Lee sang it fine, and I liked it fine. He hasn’t wowed me at all tonight, poor fella, except with his humility and genuine nice guyness. Is it enough to top Crystal? I don’t think so.

Do you remember Kurt Nilsson, from World Idol? He won with his version of that song, beating Kelly Clarkson. The fact I know that scares the shit out of me. Twitter tag: #IdolNerdSupreme.

We also get a rare moment of warmth from Simon, who reminds us that these are his last Idol shows, and that Lee represents what Idol was designed for.

Crystal sings “Up To The Mountain”, a gorgeous Patty Griffin song that has been sung by both Kelly Clarkson and Susan Boyle. It is the single most gorgeous song this season. That clinched it. The tears are just extra.

And she shows how classy she is by saying nice things about Simon, who returns the favor by giving his last critique- ” That was outstanding.”

At least we gave him an amazing last performance.

Wow, Will Young, the original Pop Idol, on the AI stage singing that crappy song that has been the exit song all season, while Idol shows lame ass clips on the screen.

When can I get Glee on the TV. Come on, Gaga songs are on. And a version of “Beth”.

See you tomorrow for the hell that is two hours for what is a two-minute announcement.

Fuck me, this season can’t end soon enough.

American Idol Snark Post # Casey James Is Going Home: Umm, I Think I Said It Already

Top three time. Why does it feel like it has taken years to get to this point? While I have no issues with any of our top three and have enjoyed them all immensely at one point or another this season, Lee, Crystal, and Casey haven’t made it interesting enough. Well, Crystal has. Okay, whatever.

Top three always get a trip to Bountiful. Or Cool, Texas in Casey’s case. Casey’s  pick for himself “Okay, It’s Alright With Me”, which is a weird choice and it comes off as pitchy and uneven at first. It’s got that bluesy country vibe I expect Casey will end up recording. Too bad it was so blah.

Crystal, my girl in this race,  picks Melissa Etheridge’s “Come to My Window” to sing. She has the harmonica out, and is shaky off the top, but recovers quick. And she sounds fabulous. I just wish it wasn’t so predictable.

Lee picks himself a song from Lynyrd Skynyrd, specifically “Simple Man”, which is known throughout the AI blogosphere as Lee’s favorite song of all time.  His vocal starts off the cleanest, and he shows less pitchiness than he has all season.  Really good. Really, really, really good.

Round one- Lee.

American Idol Snark Post # Death Comes To Slowly For Us All: Free Willy!

So long, Big Mike, I won’t miss you or your pleasant enough but thoroughly unimpressive voice.

The rest of the show holds nothing interesting for me to talk about, so I’m leaving you with the fact that I was only one for three on my top three picks and that this season is officially the worst season of Idol ever.

 Now everyone, listen to Palais and go and pick up a Terrorvision or Smiths record and listen to something fun ( that would be Terrorvision) or wonderfully morose ( that would be the Smiths). At least both those bands contributed good music to the world.

BTW, I’m going with the Terrorvision, because I’m totally loving them for the moment (again-loved them in the late 90s as well). Plus, how can one hate a song named “Tequila”?

American Idol Snark Post # Apocalypse Now: Sadly, I’d Rather Watch A St. Trinian’s Movie. Again.

I skipped Sinatra week on purpose. I just couldn’t handle another bad week. My Idol show is so dreary this season I just can’t take it anymore. I’m on the verge of breaking up with my TV show.

That being said, I came back for top four. Because I have to know. But if the next couple of weeks remain horribly blah, I may not return to Idol and just follow Simon to X Factor.

Lee opens the show with a completely dull version of a dull song. Am I the only person on the planet that thinks “Kissed By A Rose” is the most overpraised, ridiculously cheesy song ever in history? If this is the night I’m in for, I might just commit seppuku. It doesn’t help when he sings it so weakly. He’s better than that. Disappointing.

Mike… the ego just kills me.  Plus singing a song from a Free Willy soundtrack- just no. Why do the Idol kids hate me so? That being said, it’s a typical cheesy performance style with a nearly clean vocal. Whatever you say about Mike, he’s at least consistent.

How did Simon manage to not hear of Free Willy? Is it a cultural thing? If I have heard Girls Aloud and Sugababe songs, Simon has heard of Free Willy.

Lee and Crystal launch into  one of my favorite songs ever in “Falling Slowly”. Lee’s pitchiness is obvious in the beginning, but when he launches into rocker shouty parts, he’s so fucking awesome my heart swells with pride. And Crystal is so awesome it’s almost unfair to the rest of the universe. An Idol moment in a seaosn that has had way too few.

Casey takes on the iconic “Mrs. Robinson” He has the swaybots in his corner, and it’s a clean vocal from him. He also changed it up just enough to make it interesting. It’s far above Lee and Mike performances. Too bad Simon and Randy decided to be total pricks and bring Kara’s early season crush on the guy back to the forefront.

Crystal’s song choice is “I’m Alright” by Kenny Loggins (lame) from Caddyshack ( fucking eh! awesome).  Easily the best performance of the night. Again.

Simon has never heard of CADDYSHACK?????????

Casey and Mike sing the totally lame ass “Have You Ever Loved A Woman”. The less  I say, the better, I think. Because the vitriol I have for that song is acidic. ( Shitty, misogynistic, horrible, faux-Latin hunk of aardvark ass comes to mind. And that’s me showing restraint on the topic).

Whatever, I don’t really care. Let’s just get this season over with and move on.

American Idol Snark Post # Who Fucking Cares: Just Kill Me.

I’m not going to get into what I like and don’t like about Shania. I just won’t. It’s not  worth the trouble.

No, I’m going straight into the fact that the opening was beyond STUPID. I kept waiting for RyRy to launch into “Mr.  Loverman” ( “He’s a father, father. She’s a mother, mother. He’s High School Student Aaron Kelly, Kelly…”). By the way, Idol, where is reggae theme night?

Lee tackles soppy wedding ballad ” You’re Still The One” ( gag me, saccharine overload). Wildly pitchy beginning, as he seems to struggle with controlling his lower register, and I noticed on the ballad that his breathing and phrasing need work, but it’s getting to the point that I don’t care, everyone else keeps crushing my soul unless they are named Crystal Bowersox.

Big Mike chooses the obscure ” It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing”. Again, he’s the best technical singer of the remaining six, but he’s got that over the top cheesy ’70s performing style that grates. The disconnect is maddening. It sounded good, but Gwen tells me it was cheesy to her. And Ellen threw out the “L” word. No one say it was like Luther. Don’t insult me. And Simon needs to really get over himself. Wet? Girly? Bite me.

Next up is Casey singing “Don’t”.  What’s with the guys picking Shania ballads?  It’s another lesser known ditty, and he does much better than last week with the vulnerable guy vibe. It’s his best vocal since “Jealous Guy”.

Crystal picks “No One Needs To Know” ( I CALLED IT!!!!!!!), and she brings a little band onto the stage. I loved that, because it showed me where her mind is, and I love the changes she made to the song ( there is no key change in the original, nor the tempo hiccups like that. Very new indie country).  We got a little more range than previous weeks. I loved it. But the judges want something different. I’m glad I fired them way back when and have refused to hire them back.

HSS Aaron Kelly (Kelly) sings the fourth soppy ballad by a dude, ” You’ve Got A Way”. Another song I’m not overly familiar with, nor am I fond of it now. I want to smack him. Wimpy. And he was singing it to him mom. At least he changed the lyrics to something age appropriate. I can avoid the word “creepy”.

Siobhan. Siobhan, Siobhan, Siobhan.

“Any Man Of Mine” is a song I would love if I hadn’t heard it twenty-five trillion times on my grad night ( not a good song after ten beers and watching a fight end up in the bonfire, everyone). Pitchy, and that outfit needs to be burnt in that bonfire at my grad.

I’m done with you, Siobhan. Finito. All good will is gone.

Yeah, I’m soooooooooooo freakin’ bored with this season. Someone wake me up when Crystal is forced to sing Kara’s Champion Song.

American Idol Snark Post # One Trillion and One: Bye Bye, Baby, Goodbye

I decided last night to skip Idol due to a migraine and the fact that I cannot handle one more Black Eyed Peas performance in my life time ( extra boos from me for NOT HAVING DAVID COOK SING, but I digress). No, I’m here to talk about the one and only thing that matters.

Bye, Tim Urban. Goodbye to your Bieber inspired hair and Osmond worthy smile, you inability to connect in any way to the lyrics you were singing and the fact your voice, while pleasant enough, lacked anything remotely emotional. You are a blank slate.  Embrace that blankness. So few people are so…blank.

And apparently, at the request of my more shallow friends and followers, keep your shirt off. Forever. Or at least as long as you look like that.

In the screwed up world of season nine, Tim finishing seventh is frankly about what he should have finished at. For all my bitching, he really wasn’t as offensive (to me and my sensibilities) as Katie Stevens or as terrible as Paige Miles. He was just innocuous and bland. He’s American Cheese. 

I predict that next weeks theme of Shania Twain will officially drive me over the cliff that I have been hanging on precipitously all season and I will end up in the nearest psych ward in a lovely white coat with straps and sipping jello through a straw. As lovely as Shania was as a guest judge during the audition rounds, and as Canadian as I am, I am not the biggest fan of her music and I could live without a week of it. That being said… it’s the most modern, relevant theme week the producers have come up with this season. All the songs in her catalog have been written in the last fifteen years. I guess when one asks for more updated themes, we should be happy we get one regardless.

So, to recap- migraines mean no Idol Gives Back. Will watch performances I want to watch on YouTube ( I’m comin’, Annie and Mary…). David Cook did not sing. Shania is the mentor for next week. Slezak predicts a Crystal-Lee top two and I concur.

Did I miss something? No? Good.

American Idol Snark Post #I Give Up-I Am Just A Poor Boy Though My Story’s Seldom Told

Idol Gives back. Where the Idols sing “inspirational” songs and I vomit from all the fake caring. I kinda missed it last year.

But the Top Seven were given a list of totally lame ass songs ( fifty plus song, a fifth of them belonging to previous Idol contestants, and only a half-dozen I consider classics).

Now, I am devout Alicia Keys fan, but RyRy is making her sound like the second coming. She’s a lovely person, but she’s not all that and a TARDIS.

Casey begins the show with “Don’t Stop”, one of the greatest songs ever written ( Rumours is one of my fave albums). But he is in the wrong key, and the arrangement offers nothing new.  Pleasant doesn’t make for good. I forgive him, but only because I know he will not be the worst of the night. If only because the guy rocks the axe like no one’s business.

Lee is tackling “The Boxer”?

American Idol Snark Post #15- Two For One Deal

I hate it when real life gets in the way of doing my posts. I won’t bore you all with details on why I didn’t do my usual Tuesday show post, but I’ll fold it in here with a quick recap. Crystal, Lee, Mike- good. Siobhan- weird. Everyone else- sucked.

See how easy and predictable that was? Except for the Siobhan part.

The big story of Tuesday was RyRy’s increasingly wacky behavior. Unnecessary Dunkleman joke? Check. Inappropriate tongue joke with mom sitting right there? Check. Dancing during Tim’s performance, making me feel sorry for the lost Osmond for the first time? Check. Pushing the judges buttons? Check. Seriously, I know RyRy is the hardest working human being on the planet. But someone needs to take away whatever he’s on and get him back to normal, or it will no longer be fun mocking him as my disdain turns to pity.

RyRy seemed more like his old self on the result show. He eliminated Andrew ( so long, straight up, dude) with little incident, and delivered hugs to Brooke after she sang that dull duet with whathisface.  Losing Andrew, with yet another appalling performance on his exit song, was of little consequence. Saying goodbye to future Miss America Katie Stevens was also a relief.  The fact Tim Urban can do no worse that seventh makes me cringe a bit, but I blame that on tweens who like his Efron hair and enormous teeth.

Now, the best thing all night was Adam Lambert, who I was very critical of last season for not learning restraint. Well, he could still learn that lesson, but after seeing what Siobhan can shriek, I am beginning to miss Adam’s ability to shriek with purpose. And he gave a great performance of the only good song on his album, “Whataya Want From Me” ( fucking ear worm…) Considering the rather low-key Idol alum performances this season, it’s refreshing to have Adam there ( this does not take away from the fact I’ve loved almost every single Idol alum performance this year. They really have been on fire).

Sadly, this entire week has been pretty bland outside of watching RyRy’s breakdown ( I knew he’d crack eventually- nine years of banal onstage banter with empty-headed contestants and bad karaoke have caught up with the guy). Next week fails to be inspiring, despite the fact that the theme is “Inspirational Songs”  due to it being Idol Gives Back. Alicia Keys, the goddess she is, is set to mentor our Idols. That part is good. The bad part- the song list. In between undeniable classics like “(You’re Love Keeps Lifiting Me) Higher and Higher”, ” Bridge Over Troubled Water”, ” Changes”, “Everyday People”, “People Get Ready”,  and “The Boxer”, there is claptrap from Michael Bolton, Whitney, Mariah, and… Enigma? ( Seriously, “Return To Innocence” is not about the lead vocals, it’s about that weird ” ai-ai-ai” background vocal. No Idol in their right mind would sing that one. So stay away Siobhan. And possibly RyRy himself, at this rate.)

I am currently contemplating whether to produce a list of what the Idols should sing next week. I might just weep because somehow, everyone will end up singing the same damn songs as always, because the Idol Gods hate me that much.

I will possibly run in front of a bus if anyone sings ” I Believe I Can Fly”.

American Idol Snark Post #15- Ummmmm…

A group of online friends and I have been debating the judges save for a couple of weeks now. General assessment was it would only be used a) on Crystal or Siobhan and b) at the very last-minute if at all.

So after the torture of that opening medley (just… so…wrong), a couple of good performances by Jason Derulo and David Archuleta, and a reminder why I think Rihanna is a great showgirl disguised as a pop star ( Lord knows she can’t sing a single note in key), I was left stunned and amazed that Tim Urban wasn’t even in the bottom three like I predicted, and that somehow Andrew managed to not be eliminated all out, leaving poor Big Mike, with the technically best vocal in a SINGING COMPETITION, to sing for his life. I don’t think Mike will win the season nine crown ( that would and should be Mama Sox), but I do hold to the idea that the top four should be Crystal-Siobhan-Mike-Lee/Casey ( Lee and Casey are pretty interchangeable).

The fact is, of the nine remaining people, those five are the only ones I see with a real shot. Aaron needs to mature, Katie needs to learn not everything is about world peace and saving kitties, Andrew needs to go back to the bar, and Tim apparently needs to walk around shirtless online 24 hours a day. I don’t think this is the worst crop of Idol contestants ever ( season five…), but it’s right up there, and you know it’s bad when you begin to miss Blake Lewis.

The use by the judges of the save did come as a shock, because I believe it could bite them on the ass. They almost didn’t use it last year ( I’m glad they did, because it saved Matt Giraud, and I still like him, so shut up). But I can see why they did. Unlike the three ladies who have already gone home, Mike picked appropriate songs and sang them well. He always sings them well. He’s the most consistent singer on the show. He’s by far the best male voice they have ( sorry, Casey/Lee). Yes, he needs to learn to tone down the cheesy performances, but really, it’s worse that Tim Urban can sing “Under My Thumb” with no connection to what he’s singing about.

So next week, we get a double elimination and Adam Lambert as a mentor ( can someone logically explain why? I don’t want Adam fangirl reasons, I want a legitimate reason. Because Adam is the greatest thing ever is not a real reason. And also not true). I’m not sure what’s gonna go down. I’m not sure what the theme is. But if this season has taught me anything, it’s that American Idol may be on its last legs, and that Tim Urban’s abs are more important than good singing.

American Idol Snark Post #14: Take A Sad Song and Make It Mediocre

I’m still not sure what to make of Lennon/McCartney night. As a diehard Beatles fan, I firmly believe that Idol has massacred enough of the band’s songs to last me a lifetime. there is also the problem of people picking the same ones over and over again. L/Mc wrote hundreds of songs in their careers, yet we must always get a version of “Come Together” once a season.

The other thing that bothered me was that Casey was the only one of the nine to go beyond the Beatles years and pick a solo song ( how “Imagine” didn’t get sung is probably the most shocking thing all night). As genius as the Beatles songs are, Lennon and, yes, even McCartney had gems in their solo careers.  Casey even went for one of John’s most emotionally charged songs and I believe he pretty much nailed it. But more on that when I get to him later.

Having a mentorless week reminded me that sometimes the Idols need to find their own way without Miley Cyrus telling them they look cute with that haircut. While I understand the concept of having mentors, they very rarely have anything profound to say ( surprisingly, the people I dismissed as mentors, like Mariah Carey, often offer the best advice). As a result, this week lacked a certain something, leading to a show that was actually the least annoying overall this season, and uniformly good performances.

While I might have just said “good” there, I don’t mean that it was a classic show. But there were no true train wrecks, and most everyone was on key for most of their songs.  That is an achievement with this lot.

Aaron, who seems to want to be David Archuleta, tackled ” The Long And Winding Road”. I have a history with this song, as I love it and hate it simultaneously for very personal reasons that require a whole other blog post to get into. Aaron has potential, but this week his vocal was the shakiest one of the night and he did nothing with his performance to make the song seem fresh. I have the phrase “old-fashioned” written in my notes four times. It just seemed so 1972 Variety Show.

Katie took on “Let It Be”. If rock and roll is a religion, “Let It Be” is its ultimate hymn. Katie showed better vocal control this week, but she still did nothing to erase the idea of Miss Teen Groton pageant from my head. Why is it the two youngest contestant make me feel like I’m watching Lawrence Welk?

Andrew did a fifties twist on “Can’t Buy Me Love”. If you must know anything about me, I am not a big fan of early Beatles singles. I love them when they got weird and George discovered the sitar. “Can’t Buy Me Love” is one of my least favorite songs OF ALL TIME. I said it. So what? But Andrew’s rendition of this song just made it worse. I now really, really, really hate the song, especially when performed as a poor knock off of the Brain Setzer Orchestra, which is what Andrew’s hair made me think of.

One of my favorite moments of season seven was David Cook’s “Eleanor Rigby”, which is easily in my top ten McCartney penned tracks list. DC took a slow dirge and made it kick ass.  Mike Lynche took it to church ( where, I guess, it really should be). This song epitomizes what I love and hate about Mike. I couldn’t watch the performance. But I loved listening to it. The vocal was pretty flawless.

Crystal brought along a didgeridoo to perform “Come Together”. Seriously, at this rate, I’m never going to love that song again. Even though Crystal was great, I was disappointed by it. I really wanted her to pick something completely new out of the catalog, and I get a song sung so amazingly by Carly Smithson and Kris Allen. Maybe it’s “Come Together” saturation, but as much as I liked it, I didn’t love it. But bonus points for a didgeridoo.

Tim, with the Zac Efron hair and Osmond worthy teeth, did “All My Loving”. Big fat “No”. Sadly, he won’t be going home. I’d rather listen to Miley caterwaul about partying in the U.S.A.

Casey’s performance of “Jealous Guy” blew my mind. It wasn’t a perfect vocal, but when something is that simply, elegant, and emotionally charged, I can forgive a couple of wobbly notes. There are some people out there who value technical perfection above all else. Since I am a huge fan of Dylan, Springsteen, Costello, and Strummer, I am clearly not one of these people. I am a fan of songs sung as if one’s life depended on getting the message across. Casey did that last night.  For me, it was an Idol moment.

Oh, Siobhan. I get what the judges were saying to you last night. But I loved every moment of ” Across The Universe”. I even liked the fact it was “sleepy”. It was vulnerable, it showed restraint, we got to remember that Siobhan has a lovely voice without the big screamy note. I was captivated by the stillness and restraint.

Lee took on “Hey Jude”. Normally, taking a six and a half-minute song on Idol and trying to cut it down to two is just asking for trouble. But since it’s “Hey Jude”, you could eliminate the second verse and ten minutes of “na na na”‘s and be just fine in the end. Lee’s pitch control gets better each week, even if he still looks like a deer caught in the headlights on stage. And he tops Crystal’s didgeridoo with bagpipes. Bagpipes! I was half expecting a ceilidh to start-up. Everyone do ” Lord of the Dance”. That all being said, Lee was just okay.

And that basically sums up the week- okay. Nothing outside of Casey’s performance was anything super special, even if they were good or at least interesting. Nothing was so terrible I see an obvious contender to go home. I think our bottom three will be all male this week, with Aaron, Andrew, and Tim sitting on the silver stools of death. Look for Andrew, who was not terrible but lacks hot abs or teenage cuteness, to go home.

What The Idols Should Sing- Lennon/McCartney Week

Because the Idol Gods hate me and my best friend Rose so freakin’ much, we have got another ( for all intents and purposes) Beatles week/ “Let us destroy “Imagine” just one more time” week.

Seriously, you know one of the nine will do “Imagine”, which should never be sung by anyone ever, ever, ever again in the history of man. And they will butcher it and leave me in tears.

So here we go, my recommendations for the top nine, which they will ignore because that’s what they do.

Aaron- aw, sweet little Aaron who hasn’t turned into a complete train wreck once top twelve came around. So I want him to sing the sweet sounding “Dear Prudence”, and hope he won’t be too fussy at nap time.

Andrew- suck it up, dude, and rock something, like “Get Back”.

Casey- The dude can play guitar but is incessantly upbeat, so let him shine on with some “Instant Karma!”

Crystal- strip it down again with an adaptation of the Michael Penn/Aimee Mann version of “Two of Us”, which is one of the McCartney songs I actually love. It’s also one people never seem to remember. Crystal would make it legendary.

Katie- we all know she’s gonna use her pageant pipes on “Imagine”.

Lee- use the gruff grit to your advantage and kill it on “Don’t let Me Down”.

Mike- the big sap would do a lovely version of “In My Life”. Tears are a bonus.

Siobhan- the wackadoo glass blower would totally nail “Happiness Is A Warm Gun”, but I doubt TPTB would let that go on, so let’s use that banshee wail on “Helter Skelter” and totally be awesome!

Tim- “Silly Love Songs” and then get rid of him, please.

American Idol Snark Post # 13: Loopy

I missed an Idol show.

See, I’m moving in a week, and I was lifting some heavy boxes before the show began and proceeded to injure my back ( eldest DD and her books!)

So I spent an hour in my local clinic, in which I was told that it was just a pulled muscle (in the same shoulder I have nearly constant tendonitis), given some meds, and then I went home and slept.

So I missed the show.

I know Paige went home ( thanks, Google Alerts!) I read that the group number was particularly horrific. I know I not only missed Miley’s caterwauling, but also a Jonas and a Demi. I’m okay with all of the above.

I also know, thanks to ITunes, who dropped it in my email this morning, that next weeks theme is R&B. Which is a nightmare category of music full of runs and trills and bad lyrics.

It just doesn’t get any better, does it.

Sadly, I will be missing recapping next weeks shows as well since I am, you know, moving. I should be back the following week if my cable gets hooked up in time.

American Idol Snark Post #12: The Eleventh Circle Of Hell

Oh… Billboard Number Ones, not Teen Idols as a theme. The Internet lied to me!!!  Still too broad a category, and you just know some of these contestants are going to go completely off the rails.

I want to punch Miley Cyrus. She annoys me, she can’t sing, and she says the most inane things when interviewed. Fortunately, my girls are over her and have moved on to Florence and the Machine and Little Boots. I keep doing something right with them.

Lee started off with “The Letter”. I know the song was probably chosen before Alex Chilton’s untimely death last week. But I was excited to see if he’s go with the Box Tops original version, a slice of sixties pop heaven, but instead he went for the Joe Cocker version, which annoys me to no end ( I love Cocker, but I just don’t like that version). At least Lee sang it well. Thank God for small miracles.

Paige sang “Against All Odds”, another song on Palais’ list of never to be sung on Idol songs. It was beyond terrible.

Tim went with “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”. Another terrible, bland performance from one of my Gokey-Sanjayas for season nine. Just horrific. I almost turned off the TV, until I reminded myself Siobhan and Crystal were still to come.

Sadly, I think Tim Urban will make it to the tour.That’s how terrible Paige was.

Aaron did a ridiculous thing and picked ” I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing”. David Cook sang that song. Don’t sing it. Cook fans are possessive of all his Idol performances.

Okay, truth is, Aaron sang it okay. He was pushing that vocal, causing pitch issues. But no where close to being Tim-Paige horrible.

Did the judges give him a free pass due to illness?

Was RyRy snarking when he “called” Aaron “David Archuleta”?

Crystal singing “Me and Bobby McGee”- it’s a song I love when Kris Kristofferson and Janis Joplin sing it. And now we add Crystal Bowersox to that list. She was amazing.  Once again, she proves how far above the rest of the contestants she is ( Siobhan does that as well). She’s beginning to loosen up and is showing herself to be quite charming and witty. She’s only going to get better. And I am also very intrigued what her plan is for next week. ( She’ll be there.  Jimi Hendrix told me so).

Mike tackles “When A Man Loves A Woman” with aplomb, full of visual cheese and smooth vocals.  I can’t fault the guy for singing a legendary soul classic well. Too bad he doesn’t excite me. And I miss Otis Redding. ( I know, I know… It’s been forty three years, get over it.)

Andrew does “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” and made me hate Marvin Gaye, one of my favoritest singers of all time. If Marvin never recorded that song, only Gladys Knight’s version would exist and people would stop trying destroying the legacy of Marvin.  Just… a big fat box of “no”.

“Straight Up” gets brought up. Again.

Katie picks ” Big Girls Don’t Cry”, that horrible Fergie song with that dumbass ” Child misses its blanket” line, and proceeds to remind me that I hate Fergie and I dislike Katie “Miss Teen USA” Stevens.

You know what kind of Idol show it is when I’m checking my email ( Judy Greer to guest on The Big Bang Theory!)

Casey gets my ’80s era self all excited for “Power Of Love” which is one of my favorite guilty pleasures ( I love me some Huey Lewis!). And I thought it was his best performance in weeks. I know it was very cover bandish, but I don’t care. I love that song.

Didi picks ” You’re No Good”. Linda Ronstadt has one of the clearest, cleanest voices in music history. Didi does not. It was a mess.

Siobhan gets all screamy over “Superstition”. I’m gonna tell Siobhan, whom I adore, the same thing I told Adam (G)Lambert last year. I know you can scream. I don’t need to hear it every… fucking… week. Restraint, darling. Restraint. There is a reason why my favorite Adam performance ended up being “Mad World”, you know. ( That, and “Slow Ride”, but that might have more to do with shoulda been top three Allison Iraheta). It was still the second best performance of the night.

That was painful.

And goodbye Paige. We never knew you.

American Idol Snark Post #11: I Was Born In A Crossfire Hurricane

Lacey went home instead of hellish Tim Urban ( oh, guess who’s my Gokey-Sanjaya!!!!). I can’t say it was a wrong choice, because Lacey was terrible. Still, I have to put up with UrbanHell for another week, so I’m still gonna be cranky.

Orianthi performed, and she seems pleasant enough as a rocker girl with a guitar, but I didn’t find her song all that special. The less said about Ke$ha, the better. ( How did this girl get a record contract?)

No, last night was all about the opening performance. Eschewing, thankfully, the group number, Idol brought back  David Cook to rock out on “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” and made me smile for the first time this season. Everyone has an Idol contestant that makes them happy. David Cook is mine. He sounded fantastic, and he’ll be back for Idol Gives Back later this year.

The only thing left to say is that the elimination shows are still ten minutes worth of material stretched out over an hour. Basically, I waste my time watching this crap.

American Idol Snark Post #10: Hey, You, Get Off Of My Cloud. No Mars Bars Allowed

I spent all last night craving a Mars Bar, by the bye. Some urban legends just make me hungry.

Our top twelve were assigned the Rolling Stones for week one, and I, for one, was glad it wasn’t such a complete train wreck like the Beatles week two from season seven. It wasn’t the best thing ever, either. Middling. It was middling.

First off, how did we get through an entire night of Rolling Stones music with not one person attempting “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”? Did the Idols realize that the song is poisonous and no one does it well if they aren’t Mick Jagger? Second, I was 0 for 12 on my song suggestions. I am way off this year already. Leading me to believe I really don’t seem to know my contestants. Is that because I don’t care or that they are all really that cryptic?

Big Mike started the show with a well sung but once again visually cheesy performance of ” Miss You”. The guy can stay on pitch, which is always a bonus, but I didn’t like this big, lumbering guy doing dumb dance moves on a song that was a notorious departure for the Stones. Does anyone actually like “Miss You”? I don’t. It’s disco.

Didi went all drama queen on “Playing With Fire”. Hey, someone picked a Stones song that isn’t part of the greatest hits packages! I didn’t like it much, either, because I don’t buy Didi as a dark, moody bitch from hell who will destroy you if you keep acting like a prick. She reminds me of the bubbly blonde cheerleader I plotted against in junior high. I will admit, she sounded better this week, but really, that’s like saying the fiftieth Halloween movie was better than the thirtieth.

Casey pulled out the guitar (bonus!) for ” It’s All Over Now”, a song so early in the Stones discography I forgot it existed. I felt an immediate disconnect between Casey smiling face and what it a pretty bluesy, angsty break up song. Three performances in, I’m looking for some soul and attitude. It’s the Rolling Stones! Mick and Keith! Come ON!

Lacey took the classic “Ruby Tuesday” and wrecked it with her wildly pitchy vocal.

Andrew decided to rock it up with “Gimme Shelter” and came massively short. Kara was right ( ohmigod, stop me. I just said Kara was right). The song, forever immortalized in the film of the same name by the Maysles brothers, is a furious, dangerous song that needs a sense of urgency. Andrew is too laid back to pull it off. ( And go rent or buy Gimme Shelter, which is one of the best rock documentaries out there).

Katie took on “Wild Horses”. Do you know how to make me hate you with the fire of a million suns? Sing one of my all time favorite songs, one of the loveliest melodies ever, inspired by the great Marianne Faithfull, and put your pitchy, wan, colorless vocal on it. I viscerally hate you now, Katie Stevens, and that makes me a bad person, because you are seventeen and never been told you should stick to being a pageant queen.

The only reason why I think Katie shouldn’t go home is because Tim did the dumbest thing ever, taking the hateful and misogynistic “Under My Thumb” and sang it with a reggae beat. That song is horrific to begin with, made tolerable by me because of the marimba. He sang it as if he knew nothing about what it was about. And he sang it horribly. God, I viscerally hate Tim Urban as well.

Siobhan, though, brought me back. One of the few Stones tracks that hold up to multiple interpretations is “Paint It, Black”, and I have to say, Siobhan ( Irish for Joan- bet you didn’t know that) nailed it. It was dramatic, with a great vocal that gave the song the passion and urgency it needed. It’s a dark song, and she delivered the goods. I love Siobhan more and more every week.

Lee, who really needs to learn with that great if uneven rock voice of his he should be singing great rock songs, went with “Beast Of Burden”, which is not a great rock song. It’s a great pop song. And while he seemed more sure of himself, leading to a better vocal, it still came off as bland. I wanted Lee to do something totally awesome, like “Gimme Shelter” or “Sympathy For the Devil”, a real rocker to totally go insane over. Just a disappointment.

Paige does “Honky Tonk Woman” and somewhere, my BFF Jayme is sobbing into her morning coffee because that was horrific.

The surprise of the night award goes to Aaron Kelly. I am no way thinking that Aaron is going to win this, but he will most likely end up on the tour, so let us get used to that idea, shall we? If he is, his version of “Angie” should be his centerpiece. For the first time, he didn’t appear to be trying to oversing. That way, he stayed in key. He’s still an infant, but at least he sang it really well. It was still bland. Just in key.

Crystal “Pretty Much in the Top 2″ Bowersox went with “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” and it was good. She sang it well, she gave it some soul, but after the previous three weeks, it lacked a certain something that I can’t quite pin point.

So that was the Idol Top 12 performance show. Tonight I fully expect to see Tim, Lacey, and Paige in the bottom three ( I wish Katie would go home, but something tells me she won’t even be in the bottom). Look to say goodbye to Tim. And good riddance.

SNARKY SONG ADVICE FOR IDOL KIDS #1

So, the Rolling Stones have sold their catalogue away to Simon Fuller’s behemoth, too. If it’s good enough for the Beatles…

( The Kinks still remain the best British band ever, with the Clash coming in a close second. Yes, I am saying that to provoke you all. It’s my blog, deal with it. Also, I like Coldplay. Bite me.)

The Stones catalogue is deep, as one would expect after forty-five plus years of Kicking Ass.  I’ve been watching Tweets and thread comments since this morning, and I must ask- do you honestly think Idol will allow any of their singers to sing “Bitch”? Really? I doubt it. Nice thought, though.

So here it goes, my totally random and snark filled attempt to suggest songs that our top twelve should sing if they don’t want me to make fun of them next week.

Aaron: Oh, how sweet would it be for baby-faced Aaron to dress in black leather, go all emo, and howl off-key to “Sympathy For The Devil”? Sadly, I will never ask him to do that, because “Sympathy” is one of my favorite Stones tracks, and I don’t want to completely ruin it for everyone. Aaron to this point has mostly picked country songs, but I also think doing the most country of all Stones tracks, “Honky Tonk Woman”, would be creepy.  Frankly, looking over the Stones song list, there is very little I want to see the teenaged Aaron sing. I sat give him ” Time Is On My Side”, with its very limited vocal range, and we’ll plot to get rid of him next week.

Andrew: I still like Andrew, there is some real talent there. I’d like to see him liven things up a bit, grab an electric guitar, and launch himself into “Jumpin’ Jack Flash”. I don’t know why I like that idea so much.

Casey: I’ve had trouble picking a Casey song, because he’s got a bluesy rock vibe that goes well with the Stones catalogue.  So I turned it over to GC, who picked ” Paint It, Black”, because it’s one three Stones songs she actually knows and one of them she deemed better suited for one of the girls. I say it works, because if you strip away the sitar, it’s got a good blues underbelly.

American Idol Snark Post #9: Speechless.

This is my third attempt writing this post.

The first attempt was such an angry, incoherent mess I took two shots of Nava and watched some David Tennant as the Doctor ( Episode title: 42. I like that episode. Who Nazis can kiss my ass).

My second attempt was still very angry, but less a jumble of cursing and threats.

This is my third attempt.

Before I get to the real travesty of tonight’s episode of Idol, let us begin with the fact that I missed the opening number. I hear it was terrible, and that they sung Michael Bublé. ( Hey, it’s Bubbles!). Let’s just say my decision to start watching at 9:05 is the best decision ever. ( That would be 8:05 Pacific, all you time zone impaired people).

Then let us discuss Scott McIntyre and Matt Giraud’s version of “Tell Her About It”. I prefer Elton to Billy, as anyone with any knowledge of me knows, but the pianist in me loves them both in a different way. I was one of the few people last year who championed Scott through thick and thin because I believed there was a place in music for him, even if it was session work. His vocal tonight was better than anything he did on stage last year. Matt- I adore Matt, and never wavered from that either, preferring him to Kris Allen and Adam Lambert but realizing that the jazzier inflection in his voice and style may put him out early ( it did). I thought their version of ” tell Her About It” was spirited and joyous. I miss them.

Now, let us get to Todrick. As regular readers may know, every season, I have someone who grates on me so much I put them in what is known as the Gokey Halo ( formerly known as the Sanjaya Salon). Todrick was that person throughout these elimination rounds. He’s leaving.  To those worried that I may not have a snark worthy target, let me point out the following boys: Tim Urban, Aaron Kelly. Both horrible. Both worthy of my disdain. Why these two were kept over the talented fraidy cat Alex Lambert boggles my mind.

But the eliminations on the girl side- that is what inspired my wrath earlier tonight.

Why America decided that Lilly and Katelyn deserved to go home before tone-deaf Katie and Lacey is beyond my comprehension.

This is all I am going to say on the subject. The hurt is too great.

Needless to say, as a result, I am announcing that the person who currently occupies the Gokey Halo is Katie Stevens, because she really needed to go after that horrible off-key disaster on Tuesday night.

I’ll be back, because I fully expect and Crystal-Siobhan-Michael top three and I’m sticking to that.

Watch that prediction bite me in the ass (I was two for three last year. *fist shake* GOKEY!!!!!).

And America, when bitching about how much this season sucks, blame yourself. I’m Canadian, I can’t vote. I can just mock you all incessantly.

American Idol Snark Post #8: I Really Hate This Show Sometimes

I hate it because it has ceased to surprise me as often as it once did. Since the revolution of season seven that saw artistry take over from the ability to sing a high F ( bonus points if you have both), I have noticed a different kind of typical song choice. ” Hallelujah”. Quirky pop classics “transformed” into  “rock” songs. “Hallelujah”. Lame country songs sung in a bid to be seen as rootsy and all-American. Mother-frickin’ “Hallelujah”.

Seriously, I know Jeff Buckley’s arrangement of the Leonard Cohen classic is brilliant ( not as brilliant as John Cale’s, but I digress). STOP SINGING IT!

The show got off to a bad start with Kara and Simon acting like idiots again.  I do not want to talk about Simon’s reported engagement or anything else when we have a tightly packed show.

Lee DeWyze starts us off with “Fireflies” by Owl City. I have a real problem with this song, namely that dude’s nasally, whiny voice. Lee has a gruffer, grittier tone,  but stripped it all away to sing a pleasant, if not all that thrilling song.

Alex Lambert deigned to take on a song by a personal favorite singer of mine, Ray LaMontaigne. “Trouble” seems to be the go to bluesy rock folk alt country song for shows like these, and Alex’s nasal voice ( seriously, I wanted to tell him to fix his adenoids) was well suited for the song. he’s also beginning to conquer his nerves a bit, even if the judges are right in commenting on his current stiff performing style. It’s better than the fetal position on the floor sobbing, right?

Tim Urban was the idiot who decided to tackle “Hallelujah”, a song on the verge of losing its awesome status because everyone now thinks it’s genius. His vocal was bland, forgettable, and frankly, I don’t care if he didn’t fall off the tracks this week, it was robotic. I don’t know what the judges were on this week, that was bad.

Andrew Garcia takes desperate to a new level with a stripped down version of ” Genie In A Bottle” , that dreadful Christina Aguilera song that I never wanted to hear ever again. It wasn’t so awful wanted to hurt someone, but it wasn’t good. If only the judges didn’t keep harping on that Hollywood week Paula Abdul cover all the time to remind us Andrew has become stagnant.

Pretty boy Casey sand Keith Urban’s “You’ll Think Of Me”. I actually really like this song, I like Keith Urban. And Casey did a credible vocal on that song. He still needs to work on his technique ( he still seems to be struggling with supporting his notes).  But on a night like this, I’ll take middling and competent.

Aaron has to go with ” I’m A;ready There”, one of those treacly country ballads sung about living life on the road. It was terrible. I didn’t hear a single on key note, his phrasing was off, and this terrible song was too big for him. The over praise form the judges makes me believe that they think Katie Stevens may be going home, so they need a new cute teen to pimp.

The bane of my Idol season nine, Todrick ” I’m the best thing since Michael Jackson-WHOO!” Hall, did the impossible. He made me hate a Queen song.

That shreiky, screamy, shouty vocal that started of way too high and then bizarrely strayed to his mid tone, where he proceeded to run rough shod over the intricate vocal melody Freddie Mercury created- that was a crime against music. And the so-called music experts on the panel LIKED it.

For that and that alone, I have fired all four judges.

Fortunately, Michael Lynche saved my night with a simply gorgeous take of Maxwell’s “This Woman’s Work”. I only wrote down in my notes the following:

“Nearly perfect”.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what I am talking about. Take a song and SING IT.

I really think that poor Aaron and Andrew are in trouble, because Tim is gorgeous and therefore no one will send him home till next week, and Todrick, being my new mortal Idol enemy, will never leave ( Gokey, after all, made top three).

Till tonight, then, I have to just keep saying over and over ” My top four are Crystal, Siobhan, Lilly, and Mike”.

Repeat along with me, dear reader. You know I’m right.

American Idol Snark Post #7: There is Crystal Bowersonx and… Ummm… Who Else Is There?

It’s top eight girls night. If the show only didn’t scare the crap out of me with Ellen sitting on Simon’s lap and nuzzling him off the top of the show. Creepy doesn’t begin to describe it.

Why did Katie Stevens think singing Kelly Clarkson was a smart move? ( Again- Palais’ number one rule about Idol song selection: DO NOT sing songs by former Idol winners. You will lose the battle.) She also delivered the worst vocal I have heard in years.  There wasn’t a good note in that entire song. And apparently it the best song written in modern times of today ( Thanks,  Randy). By the end of some pretty wimpy ass judging ( Simon was overly nice and understanding), she looked like she was on the verge of tears. Gee, sweetie, did the mean ol’ judges tell you it wasn’t the greatest thing ever?  God, an entire generation of kids destroyed because no one ever told them the truth.

That was a parental rant. I’m done now.

Siobhan goes with the totally awesome song ” House Of The Rising Sun”, the dark, bluesy Animals classic that is easily one of my top ten all time songs. The girl launches it with an a capella verse, which leads me to believe she’s got a pretty good ear, as it was solid, and it just got more awesome as it went along. I’m growing to love the awkward, goofy glass blower with pretty spectacular music taste. The judges were appropriately effusive this time, except for Simon, who clearly wants cookie cutter pop singers who shriek at every opportunity despite the fact they are going out of style at the moment.

Lacey Brown gives of another horrible vocal on a song I have never actually heard of ( a rare thing, I know). Lacey obviously cannot control here nerves, which sends whatever nice quality her voice does have off into screamosphere. It was wildly off-key and off tempo. It’s Lacey’s last week. That’s it.

The judges are obviously listening to a different TV show. I have no idea who they are talking about.

Katelyn singing some Carole King kinda makes me sleepy. Odd, since I love both Katelyn’s dirge like version of “The Scientist” last week and Carole King. It just didn’t thrill me. That makes me a little cranky. The judges call her on the lame performance, but I think she’s still safe. Katelyn and her bouncy blonde curls that I envy… sorry, tangent.

Didi pulls out her guitar and some Fleetwood Mac. “Rhiannon” is oddly enough well suited to her style. She didn’t push for the ridiculous note Stevie could pull off back in ’77, but she gave a sweet rendition of one of the loveliest songs of all time.  It was a vast improvement over last week’s train wreck.

Paige brings us the suddenly ubiquitous “Smile”. Has this song suddenly become cool because of its appearance on Glee? It was terrible. Terrible. Just not good. I feel sorry for her.

My girl Crystal is up with Tracy Chapman’s ” Give Me One Reason” and  reinforces my love in both Tracy Chapman and in her.  Up on stage with her guitar and some soul, she delivers a freakin’ awesome performance and I love her.

Lilly Scott, the Veela,  tackles the legendary ” I Fall To Pieces” and for the first time, I’m worried about her.  Her lower register was poorly supported, making her wobbly and off-key, and the jazzier tone of her voice didn’t suit the country song.  I think she’ll make it to the top twelve next week without issue, but it’s the first real non-great moment Lilly has had. The judges are on crack.

Tomorrow I’ll be back for the boys, where I will reserve this weeks judgment on the judges ( early call- massive fail, guys. All four of you are failing this week). Until then, just keep chanting ” Bow-er-SOX!”.

American Idol Snark Post #6: Oh…Hell. Why Do You Mock Me?

I will never forgive Idol for one thing and that is Danny Gokey.

I know that there are people out there who are fans. I worry about you. Because the guy has been an annoyance to me since I first saw him and I really never wanted to see or hear the guy again. So I sat through Danny’s performance of whatever that song is called ( I had my fingers in my ears and never wrote it down), hissing at the TV and insisting that I will never, ever watch Idol again lest he should appear once more.

My hatred for all things Gokey actually muted my reactions to Todrick and Lacey managing to somehow stay on the show. Sending home pleasant if uninspired singers like John Park and Michelle Delamor over these two vocal train wrecks is painful for me, because I’d rather listen to a cruise ship singer than someone who cannot seem to find a key. While the other two evictees ( losers? wannabes? Idol disasters?) were the deplorable Jermaine and wonky Haeley, who both deserved the axe, neither John nor Michelle deserved to leave before Todrick and Lacey.  The only benefit is the longer Todrick stays, the longer I have to gleefully mock him and his meglamoniacal ways.

That being said, I have decided after the appalling ” I Gotta Feelin’” group number that I will only watch elimination shows after the first five minutes. There is really only so much I can take.

American Idol Snark Post #5: We’re Getting There. Slowly.

Tonight we get the girls back. I’m a little relieved.

Crystal is, indeed, performing tonight. Ryan pulled her aside to see how much she’d say, but she just said ” I’m a tough cookie” and walked away. Good on you, Crystal.

Question- did Randy see the same show I did last night? The guys were hot? Middling at best.

Crystal has a twin named Carl who is a “square”. God, I think she’s awesome. No one uses “square” any more.  She goes with CCR’s ” Long As I Can See The Light”. Has CCR ever been on an Idol show before?  She imbibes the song with soul and warmth. For someone who has had a tough couple of days, she was amazing. The stress doesn’t show. A good moment, the first real one of the season. Thank God.

Haeley Vaughn, the delusional wannabe country girl, singing a Miley song this week.  Not just any song, the horrible vomitrocious “The Climb”.  ( I hate that song. HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE). She’s a doofy, giggly teenager best left to text her girls about the Jonas Brothers. Going younger doesn’t help her stay in key, though, and she’s shakier than Miley herself. Hell, Taylor Swift can carry a tune better. ( I just found someone worse than effing TAYLOR SWIFT?) Just… soooooooo bad. Bad song, bad vocal, bad hair thingy. Bad. Terrible. Please send her home now. Especially after that “glory note” that sounded like Simon was dissecting a living cat.

Lacey Brown, who assassinated Stevie Nicks last week and somehow managed to stay, decided to take Kara’s advice ( bad idea). I still don’t like her. I also hate ” Kiss Me”.  It’s one of those twee little songs by a 90s one hit wonder that makes me wish I skipped the last half of the decade. She also still can’t pick a key and stick with it. Not good. Not good at all.

Katie Stevens just reeks of pageant, doesn’t she? She can say ” Gimme a kiss” is six languages and has enough self-realization to know that’s a lame thing to be able to do. But picking the incomparable Corrine Bailey Rae’s ” Put Your Records On”? I might have been able to get behind that choice if her voice showed any of the sparkle and joie de vivre the vocal requires. No, it was kinda a sad mess.  That’s not even with the pitch issues she was having.  Ugh.

RyRy’s new obsession with Justin Bieber is disturbing.

Didi looks like the girl I hated in junior high. Tangent and now back again. She was a mascot in junior high ( we didn’t have one). She also meows as a vocal warm up. Are you kidding me? Looking up indulgent? Really? Gawd. She’s dim, isn’t she? She goes with ” Lean On Me”, and it’s a wreck. A pitchy, dull, soulless mess.

At this stage of the game, this season appears to be Crystal Bowersox’s season to lose. Isn’t that sad? ( I’m glad for Crystal, because she’s clearly great.)

Ah, Michelle. Doing a CREED song ( oh, God, my late 90s nightmare continues. I apologize to all Creed fans. I hate them. Violently hate them. And you have shitty taste in music. Go listen to your Nickelback albums). Michelle does have a lovely voice. Too bad she has never heard of a good song. It’s also really pathetic that I think it’s one of the better vocals of the night ( Better= less pitchy than normal). Pathetic because the song sucks donkey balls and the rest of the girls have been so disappointing ( save for Crystal).

Lilly Scott has been a favorite of mine since Hollywood Week.  I have said it before ( see: Syesha Mercado). Do not sing ” A Change Is Gonna Come”. Just- don’t. Unless you are Lilly Scott. That was fantastic ( say ” fantastic” like Christopher Eccleston, everyone).  I still think Crystal was stronger, but Lilly is strong competition ( I would die happy if two slightly indie girls ended up one-two this season).

Katelyn is a music geek, studying recording engineering. I like her well enough and hope that she takes my favorite Coldplay song ” The Scientist” and does it justice. She picks the right key, the right tempo for her voice and changes the melody just enough without making it unrecognizable. Another great performance.  It’s well sung and another moment in a season that has had too few. ( I agree with Kara. Fucking shoot me.)

Paige the previously non-existent contestant likes to color. I find that endearing, since I myself like my kids coloring books. She chooses a Kelly Clarkson song. Regular readers- can anyone tell me what my number one song selection rule is? Leave any answers in comments.  But I like her chutzpah. She picks rock songs that she wraps her soul voice around, and it is a really good voice. Her big note was shaky and a bit thin, but overall I’m increasingly impressed by her. Now I just have to remember her name.

Siobhan remains a quirky joy to me.  A formerly mohawked, lip drilling joy ( that sounded wrong). She launches into “Think”. Again with the do not touch songs? Seriously? And to the people who are going to complain about that last huge note- it’s the same damn note Aretha sang. Yeah, didn’t like her version of it either. The rest of it was great. Just that one note I have always hated in every version of that song. Even the Queen of Soul.

The girls still out sang the guys. They’ve been doing that since the first person got a golden ticket.

My picks to leave, God willing: Todrick, Jermaine, Haeley, Lacey. Then maybe with the really bad guys gone and the last two really terrible girls outta there, we’ll get to the real nitty gritty.

American Idol Snark Post #4: There Is No Where To Go But Up… Right?

Last week, the boys were so disappointing I was ready to jump off the nearest multi story building so I never had to hear them again. I was looking forward to the girls, but the guys were soul crushingly bad. So when I read that the girls performance show was postponed due to a medical emergency, I was almost devastated. (P.S.- get well, Crystal Bowersox, because  we need you!)

Then the boys went, And it was better. Much, much better. That doesn’t mean, though, that it was a great Idol show. It just means I’m less likely to kill someone tomorrow.

Mike Lynche started it, though, with a bang, with a soulful, smart, great version of James Brown ” This Is A Man’s World”.  It’s a personal fave of mine, that song,  and it’s one I dislike when sung by anyone who isn’t the Godfather of Soul, but Mike did a really good job with it. It’s also a major achievement this season to stay in key, which he did.

John Park continues to baffle me, with a dull song choice ( John Mayer’s “Gravity”? Really? Dude). He has the tools to be a good singer, but I find him to be so milquetoast when he sings that I tend to forget he exists.

Casey James regressed this week vocally, but the man can play a Fender, so I forgive him his rather mediocre vocal on ” I Don’t Wanna Be” because there was some good fret work.

Alex Lambert wins most improved by not fainting on stage while singing John Legend’s ” Everybody Knows”. I still think he’s falling short on song choice, but he also shows promise and is a good guitarist.

Todrick ” I’m A Golden God Worship Me” Hall will be my Gokey-Sanjaya this season if he stays, because I cannot stand him, his voice, his attitude… And why take a classic if poorly aged song like ” What’s Love Gotta Do With It” and eff it up so much? Why? Does he hate music?

Jermaine Sellers also grates, and his choosing ” What’s Goin’ On” is a crime. (It’s a song that should never be touched ever by anyone. Marvin Gaye is dead. Quit killing him over and over again by destroying his masterpiece). Considering the song, it was an atrocious performance.

Andrew Garcia tackled James Morrison’s ” You Give Me Something”, and while I thought it was a fine vocal, it lacked a spark that I want from someone who is clearly a good and creative as Andrew. It felt staid and a little stiff.

Aaron Kelly, all of sixteen, massacred ( in a horrible, puppy killing way) “My Girl”. Why do Idol contestants insist on singing this song? Talk about old-fashioned. There is no way to update this song, it’s firmly stuck in the 60s Motown era. And boo to Simon for even mentioning Justin Bieber’s name on my Holy Grail of TV Reality Shows.

I would like to take this moment to mention that “Milquetoast” is not recognized by spell check.

Tim Urban, who looks like an Osmond with even worse hair, or Zac Efron with worse hair ( take your pick).  He goes with ” Come On Get Higher” is another mid tempo guitar song with slightly racy lyrics for family friendly Idol audiences ( Gwen asked me twice if the line ” swing of your hips” was allowed on Idol before). It was not good. Not liking the song, not liking his voice., not liking anything. He should go home. And Simon was too fucking nice to the guy. Which makes me wonder what Simon was smoking earlier.

Le Dewyze was the guy who surprised me the most last week. Picking Hinder’s “Lips Of An Angel” gets me to roll my eyes, as I think Hinder is lame. But I still think he’s a really good singer. I give him credit for not trying to reach for notes he knows he can’t ( ahem… Tim Urban). But still hate the song. It wasn’t horrible.

So, yeah, it was a better show by the guys. We still have a long, long way to go. But we are getting there.

The girls return tomorrow. Here’s hoping that Crystal is okay and we get a good show.

American Idol Snark Post #3: I Missed Women’s Hockey for THIS?!?!

American, let us have a sit down.

See, I understand cute guys are appealing, but Idol  is a singing competition, so why on earth is Tim Urban still here? Haeley Vaughn? For fuck’s sake, John Park and Lacey Brown? Jermaine Sellers? Todrick ” I am ENTITLED!” Hall?

Nooooooo, you send home Janell Wheeler and Joe Muñoz.

You deserve mocking.

I mock you.

The results, which sent poor Joe and Janell home, as well as the deserving to leave Tyler Grady and Ashley Rodriguez, were bonehead moves. Poor Tim looked like he was about to stroke out when RyRy PrettyBoyCrest announced him safe over Joe, who is a pretty good singer who gave one of the better performances on guys night. Janell, hampered by song choice, sealed her own fate, I guess, but her weak vocals were still better than the caterwauling of Lacey, who destroyed a perfect song.

Seeing Allison Iraheta and Kris Allen last night reminded me that somewhere along the road, someone will truly shine. And that I miss them both tremendously. I went and bought Allison’s new single and Kris’ charity version of ” Let It Be”.

I fear for this season.

American Idol Post #2: I’d Rather Watch The Irish Bobsled Team Come in Last Again

I missed the first ten minutes of Idol tonight due to family stuff, but judging from the clip of Todrick Hall singing ” Since U Been Gone” and Aaron Kelly singing ” Here Comes Goodbye”, I missed absolutely nothing.

I said in my previous post that the guys looked underwhelming and I wasn’t wrong. Jermaine Sellers dull, pitchy ” Get Here” ruined a gorgeous song, plus he reeks of entitlement, which is a turn off. Tim Urban took a song I dislike in “Apologize” and made me miss Ryan Tedders’ whiny voice. Look for Tim to go home tomorrow.

Joe Muñoz did a credible, nice version of Jason Mraz’s ” You and I” . Not bad for a guy with two seconds of screen time before this week. Tyler Grady’s “American Woman” was atrocious, ruining a classic song and making me remember how much I hate Jim Morrison.

Lee Dewyze redeemed the guys somewhat with his song choice. ” Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol is a personal fave of mine, and I tend to give leeway to people who pick interesting songs from artists I like ( I give out bonus points if you go to the Brits). He changed it a little too much for my liking, but he has a voice I could get behind.

The less I say about John Park’s desecration of ” God Bless The Child” the better.

Michael Lynche pulled out ” This Love”, my least favorite Maroon Five song, but I liked it just fine. He at least seemed upbeat, which was needed considering how dreary this show felt.

Alex Lambert surprised me with James Morrison’s ” Wonderful World” ( plus ten for Brit!). He is a sound alike, but he’s a sound alike with an ability to change it up just enough not to be a mimic. But I preferred listening to watching, as he has zero charisma on stage. Still, bonus five for giving the band a shout out.

The performance of the night goes to Kara’s eye candy Casey James, whose version of ” Heaven” was a bit safe and straight, but at least sung and performed well.

Andrew Garcia’s slightly bonkers version of ” Sugar We’re Goin’ Down” went over well with me. The vocals were solid, even if the arrangement left a lot to be desired. At least he was different and picked an artist I can’t remember being done on Idol before.

The judges were deplorable tonight ( except Ellen, who kept apologizing to poor Casey James for Randy, Kara, and Simon’s assoholic antics during his song). The guys and PsychoBitch get minus fifty points from me and are on notice.

That’s all I got. Man, Idol, you’re losing me…

American Idol Snark Post #1: Yeah, But Can They Do The Goose Lift On Thin Blades While Gliding Across The Ice?

Oh, Idol, how I have missed you and your inane judging panel. Welcome back.

The elimination rounds this year have a Billboard Hits theme, a theme I like this early on since it leaves it open to wide variation. So tonight it was shocking that three- THREE- girls picked Beatles tracks. Yes, one quarter of tonight was dedicated to the guys from Liverpool. There was also some not so original song choices which makes me bang my head against the desk.

We start off with Paige, who I don’t recall getting a single second of screen time during the early rounds. She tackles “All Right Now” by Free. Now, she has what is easily a great soulful rock voice, but you are talking to a David Cook girl here and I’m sorry, it didn’t come close to that performance from his second week. That being said, I found it actually pretty good. The judges all seem to really like that big voice, but seemed split on the song choice.

Next is Ashley, who is stupid enough to pick a song from Simon’s current pet Leona Lewis. Not only that, the song is one of my least favorite songs ever. So she didn’t even come close to making a good impression on me.  She clinched it with a wobbly lower register and plenty of off-key notes.  By the end, I began to wish Leona Lewis was singing. I hate Leona Lewis.

Janell, one of those quirky blonde types Idol discovered this year, went with ” What About Love”, a big huge rock song that dwarfed her thin little folky voice. Bad song choice kills you, Janell, and I’m thinking she might be one of the two who go home. Which is sad, because I loved her version of “American Boy” during Hollywood Week.

Lily Scott, another blonde ( although her hair, silverish blonde, makes me think of Fleur, the Veela  from the Harry Potter books), came out and did one of the Beatles tracks. Granted, she went with ” Fixin’ A Hole”, which is not exactly a Beatles track people think of when they think Beatles classics, and she sang it with a folky, jazzy style that reminded me of Duffy meeting Tori Amos.

We get a third quirky blonde in Katelyn, who picked another offbeat Beatles track with ” Oh Darlin’”. She also has a slightly jazzy tone to her voice, but it’s more commercial than Lilly’s.  She also seemed less interesting overall.

Poor little Haeley the wannabe country girl went with the third Beatles track, and man, was that a bit of a train wreck. She stripped the joy and poppy fun from ” I Wanna Hold Your Hand”, layered a hicuppy , screechy vocal, and made me want her to leave. I might get my wish.

That is if Lacey hadn’t made the ginormous blunder and sang a Stevie Nicks song ( Stevie Nicks is a No-no, people. Haven’t you listened to me ever?) She laid down a terrible, uneven, pitchy vocal that made me want to stick my pen through one ear and a q-tip in the other. How dare she wreck “Landslide”?

Michelle, a very pretty girl with a good voice, sang Alicia Keys “Fallin’”, which means that she gets no bonus points from me for being good because “Fallin’” is on my ” I never want to hear it on Idol ever again” list of songs I create every year.  Pretty forgettable, honestly.

Didi, yet another quirky blonde, sang Ingrid Michaelson’s insipid ” The Way I Am”, crushing my soul a little bit. There are better female singer songwriter types.

Siobhan Magnus, out to teach North Americans how to properly pronounce Irish names, went bold with her choice of song, singing Chris Isaaks’ dark and haunting ” Wicked Game”, which she did pretty well. I found her compelling, although Kara’s point of her being nasal was valid.

Everyone’s favorite lady, Crystal Bowersox, came out in full Dylan mode and sang that terrible Alanis song, ” Hand In My Pocket”. I forgive her, because she’s so awesome, with that Linda Perry hair and that Melissa Etheridge voice. I love her. Let’s make this clear. I. Love. Her.

Finishing the night was Idol‘s pick for cute, precocious teenager we want you to vote for this year. Katie Stevens sang ” Feelin’ Good”, which was way too mature and intense for her seventeen years. And I am not as impressed with her voice as the judges are. I find it pretty middle of the road good, with little in the way of personality.

The judges this year start with a clean slate, even Kara, who made a couple of key points ( I mentioned her assessment of Siobhan’s nasal quality). So far, none of them have made an egregious assessment worth punishing them for. Kara can possibly learn to stop trying to read people’s minds, but she got a bonus point from me for naming the Sundays in her assessment of Lacey. But this year’s judging meme seems to be ” originality”. They seemed to mention it to every one, leading me to believe they have seen the light after two seasons where people who take style risks came out on top over big voiced divas and cute, barely pubescent boys.

This years crop of girls, though, do seem to be promising. The boys go tomorrow, where I am dying to see what happens. The boys seem underwhelming overall. But that’s what the elimination rounds are all about.