I have been drinking Guinness and watching Life on Mars? The BBC one with John Simm.
I do know Scotty has won. Big whoop. He’s fine. He isn’t terrible. Just not my type of singer.
So, as a way to give some closure, here is my Idol 10 winner, Miss Haley, and some Zeppelin for you. Fall and all. It’s still the MOMENT.
I would like to start of reiterating that I hate the judges and everything they have said this season except for the audition rounds, when they still had some guts and the ability to say “Fuck a duck”. Thank you.
Tonight’s show was part Velveeta smothered Velveeta, part realizing I don’t listen to much country music radio anymore, part screaming “Zeppelin” while my daughters looked on in resignation, and part hating the judges and loving Jimmy Iovine. I haven’t been this passionate about a contestant since season seven. I am obsessed about Haley making it to the top two. But is this purely reactionary? I don’t think so- I was coming around to her before the insanity of the judging hit me. A lot of comment boards have quoted some blogger’s study of the critiques this year, where Haley had some 17 notes about how terrible she is, mostly from Randy. I once told her she made me fall asleep. Listening to her recording of “Blue” now, I realize that it wasn’t really Haley. It was the song. I have always disliked that song. And the news earlier today about her singing Zeppelin just cinched it. The girl has impeccable music taste.
But we have to start of with the king of Gorgonzola, Scotty “Eyebrow raise side leaning” McCreery. Of his three songs tonight, I hate one, am ambivalent about another, and had never heard the third. I’ll let you guess which is which. Yeas, “Amazed” ia one of those cheesy ass love songs about how perfect that other person is that makes me puke in my mouth a bit every time I hear it. Scotty’s vocal was fine for what it was. His second song, Thompson Square’s “Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not” is one of the few songs on the planet I’m not familiar with in any shape or form. It was his best performance of the evening.
The less said about his Lawrence Welk audition with “She Believe’s In Me”, the better. That was horrific.
Lauren impressed me this week. She’s still in desperate need of proper vocal training- she was breathless and behind in her cadences most of the night. But she has a voice under all that spray tan, eye makeup, and hair extensions. But she sounded really good on both The Band Perry’s “If I Die Young” ( another song I don’t know) and “I Hope You Dance” ( a song that makes me blubber). I am, however, gonna have to tell her, as a huge Faith Hill fan, to never sing “Wild One” ever again. She just can’t pull of the sass and I can’t stand the fact she seemed to hyperventilate her way through that song, and she can’t outgrowl Haley, so that growly end to “I Hope You Dance” was a bit of a mess. I think Lauren earned the right to be a part of the finale. I just don’t think she has the fan base.
Haley, though, might make it in on pure talent, tenacity, and a fanatical Idol base tired of being manipulated. Nigel has been bitching all week about bloggers being brats. Well, you know what, Nigel? We are. We whine, we commiserate, we bitch. We also are smart enough to know that you read us all and you take notes. This week The judges threw out some very subtle critiques, particularly to Lauren. Haley was however, praised, even during her last song. Granted, the judges did praise the right parts of “You Oughta Know”, and Haley did mess up a lyric. But those choruses were packed with WOW! I even liked “Rhiannon”, one of my all time favourite songs. It was a great contrast with her other two songs, the angry Alanis classic and the deep, rich textures of jazz, blues, and classic rock that was Led ZEppelin’s “What Is and What Should Never Be”. She may have tripped up the stairs during that performance, but she held it together and nailed that sucker.
It’s a tough one. I’ve seen Haley trending off and on through the night on Twitter. The raw numbers page on Dial Idol has Haley in a massive lead, even if she sits at the bottom of the predictions board.
So I’m going to hold to my all girl finale prediction from last week. I think Scotty’s “Fanbase” is actually less solid than people think. I rarely meet anyone who really, truly thinks he’s going to make it in coutry music. He’s not untalented as a singer, but we are talking country raido. Those PD’s are mean sonsofbitches.
I’m picking Scotty to go home. He lacked a real moment.
First thing today, Nigel got all whiny about being slammed for manipulating his show today on Twitter. Wah, Nigel. Shut the fuck up.
Second, Lauren Alaina went up a couple of awesome points on the Kirsten scale by defending Haley in a post show interview with the press last night. While defending her friend, she also took a dig at the judges for not offering up criticism and helping her along to a better place. Even Lauren Alaina knows something is funky.
Third- I’m kinda sad to see James go, because I find him so gosh darn endearing while being annoyed at him all the time. It’s a sad night, because I do maintain James is a good singer. He just needs to learn how to control that huge, rock star voice of his.
And when Haley was saved, the KPed household erupted into teenage shrieks, as Gwen (13) and Aislinn (10) both saw their favourite saved.
Two girls in the top three. I racked my brain for when the last time that happened was. I was sure it was the year Fantasia won. It turns out it was season six, when Melinda and Jordin faced Blake Lewis. I thought Melinda came in fourth that year, and Lakisha fifth. What can I say, the memory sucks now after three kids and turning thirty.
So the right three people made it to the top three ( let us have some revisionist history with that. I’m trying to not think about the save and Pia).
Here is to next week, where I hope Haley and Lauren mop the floor with Scotty, as I like him less and less the more I think about Wednesday’s performances.
Dear Nigel, Randy, Jennifer, and Steven.
Fuck you.
Fuck you and your judges. And while we’re at it, fuck you with a chainsaw.
You allow James and Lauren to be overpraised for those atrocious performances, with four vocals that were wildly off-key ( I swear James was both sharp and flat SIMULTANEOUSLY while singing “Don’t Stop Believin’”), then bitch to Haley about song choice ( “Earth Song” was not a hit? Really? Where were they in 1995 when I couldn’t escape the Goddamned thing?), instead of PRAISING HER FLAWLESS VOCAL. Haley was the only one of the four to deliver near pitch perfect performances, and Scotty’s vocal quaver I forgive because it’s the first one he has had all season, and it was on a song I DON’T EVEN KNOW.
At least you gave Haley’s astounding version of “I (Who Have Nothing)” the standing ovation it deserved.
Honestly, you hypocritical bastards.
As it stands, I am here to tell you that I am giving you my two weeks notice. I will finish off this season. Then I will move on to The X-Factor with no regrets and watch a couple of real judges work. I heard L.A. Reid was brutal in auditions, making Simon Cowell look like- well, you guys.
Oh, and Randy, we all heard you say last week that you weren’t rooting for Haley. We know the show has always had a degree of manipulation. But the blatant obviousness of the manipulation this season has pissed me off. On top of that, the judges critiques are full of lies. I’m trained enough as a musician to know the difference between flat and on pitch. The only person to do that successfully this week was Haley.
I hope Haley wins to spite you four. I’ll buy her record. And she will be my last Idol.
Just. Fuck. Off.
Kirsten
But she is safe.
The best result ever tonight, as the American public finally ends our long International nightmare and send Jacob “I need to appeal to everyone but do it by being a crap singer” Lusk was sent back to Lusky Shit Land and I only ever have to put up with him on finale night and NEVER listen to him EVER AGAIN.
Do you hear me, you arrogant, bitchy diva? NEVER AGAIN.
I feel so much better. Three of the top four I pretty much predicted at the beginning, as I knew Scotty and James would probably get there, and Lauren was a strong enough vocalist. Haley was the surprise, as she once caused me to FALL ASLEEP during a show, but now, I desperately want her to win.
I’m in the Haley camp. How about you?
I had so much hope for everything at the beginning of season ten. New judges. Lighter tone and less cruelty in the audition rounds. A Hollywood week that blew my mind. A one week elimination process that felt right for the most part ( KENDRA!!!! COME BACK!!!!)
What the fuck went wrong?
It’s more than the shitty, over positive judging that leaves no room for correcting bad habits and bad taste. It’s more than Piagate.
It’s the soullessness.
My favourite Idol contestants tend to be people with voices so spectacular you can’t ignore them ( Kelly, Carrie, Elliot, David Cook) or innovators who push musical boundaries (Crystal, Kris, Adam, David Cook). This year has a strong vocal pool, but no one so amazing that I immediately went “Them. There. That one”. But I also suspect that the involvement of Jimmy Iovine and the production stable has sapped all adventure from our contestants. You can see it in the fights Haley, Casey, and James have had over song choice. Iovine’s unnecessary and mean comments last week in his taped piece about Haley just seems to confirm that. While I questioned Haley’s presence at the beginning of the season, she is one assured vocalist, and she is the only one showing any improvement, as she is the only one trying to find her self. You can argue that Idols should know themselves when they come in. But as one can see from the arrogance of James “Lusky Skank” Lusk, knowing who you are as a vocalist doesn’t make you a good one.
Haley clearly sang Lady Gaga’s “obscure” album cut “You And I” better than everyone else sang their songs save Scotty. Hell, it was the second best vocal of the night, after her pimp spot, show ending “House of the Rising Sun” (Siobhan who?). But those judges comments- unknown song? Only to a moron who has never heard of Lady Gaga. Come ON! I admit, I have a teenage daughter, I know Gaga’s albums pretty much word for word, note for note, Madonna rip-off for Madonna rip-off. WE aren’t idiots. YOU are, judges.
Meanwhile, in deluded Lusky Shit Land, the judges gave a colonic irrigation with their tongues to the off-key stylings of Jacob. His horrible version of “No Air” made me forgive Chris Brown all his trespasses, and the desecration of “Love Hurts” was so painful it made Gwen scream in agony.
Hopefully, America is no longer crazy and sends this mofo home.
As for the rest- Lauren’s version of “Flat on the floor” was competent enough, but lacked the real conviction of Carrie’s original. She even ripped off Carrie’s hairstyle for the song. She’s not Carrie. stop trying to be Carrie, Wittle Wauren. And I am pretty sure both Simon Cowell and I told everyone on Idol to stop singing “Unchained Melody”, a song so perfect it is the closest thing I can call proof of God’s existence, on the second episode of Season one. But no, Lauren had to sing it, and completely fall apart towards the end, with several bad notes. Scotty showed tremendous stage presence and performance pizzazz on “Gone”, and it was a Scotty performance nearly free of all cheese, so it’s my fave so far. “You Were Always On My Mind” was more cheesy, but when I listened to it later without watching, it was a solid if safe vocal. And I still prefer the Pet Shop Boys version. Sorry, Willie. And James… I want to slap the person who let him sing “Without You”. That song belongs to one man and one man only. So unless you are somehow Harry Nilsson, STOP. SINGING. IT. His first song “Closer To The Edge”, by Jared Leto’s band 30 Seconds to Mars, fit him better. I liked it. I’m not a 30 Seconds to Mars fan, but I could listen to James sing it for a while and maybe come around.
Jacob has to go. I suspect the usual top five elimination process will happen- “Scotty- pick the two you think are in the top three. In Kirsten’s fantasy world split, it’s Haley and James to the left, Lauren and Jacob to the right. What, you went left? You are correct!”
Then Jacob goes back to Lusky Shit Land, and I only ever have to hear him again on the finale. Where he’ll sing with Anita Baker and people realize how FUCKING INSANE THE JUDGES WERE FOR LETTING HIM GET THIS FAR IN THE FIRST PLACE BY INSISTING HE WAS THE SECOND COMING OF VANDROSS!
Christ, you know Luther is somewhere weeping into a banana split with extra whipped cream in the afterlife.
If there is an afterlife.
Die, judges, Die.
I am so excited for X-Factor now that Cheryl Cole has been announced for it I could plotz.
WordPress doesn’t recognize the word “plotz”. Shame on you, WordPress.
