American Idol Snark Post #7: There is Crystal Bowersonx and… Ummm… Who Else Is There?

It’s top eight girls night. If the show only didn’t scare the crap out of me with Ellen sitting on Simon’s lap and nuzzling him off the top of the show. Creepy doesn’t begin to describe it.

Why did Katie Stevens think singing Kelly Clarkson was a smart move? ( Again- Palais’ number one rule about Idol song selection: DO NOT sing songs by former Idol winners. You will lose the battle.) She also delivered the worst vocal I have heard in years.  There wasn’t a good note in that entire song. And apparently it the best song written in modern times of today ( Thanks,  Randy). By the end of some pretty wimpy ass judging ( Simon was overly nice and understanding), she looked like she was on the verge of tears. Gee, sweetie, did the mean ol’ judges tell you it wasn’t the greatest thing ever?  God, an entire generation of kids destroyed because no one ever told them the truth.

That was a parental rant. I’m done now.

Siobhan goes with the totally awesome song ” House Of The Rising Sun”, the dark, bluesy Animals classic that is easily one of my top ten all time songs. The girl launches it with an a capella verse, which leads me to believe she’s got a pretty good ear, as it was solid, and it just got more awesome as it went along. I’m growing to love the awkward, goofy glass blower with pretty spectacular music taste. The judges were appropriately effusive this time, except for Simon, who clearly wants cookie cutter pop singers who shriek at every opportunity despite the fact they are going out of style at the moment.

Lacey Brown gives of another horrible vocal on a song I have never actually heard of ( a rare thing, I know). Lacey obviously cannot control here nerves, which sends whatever nice quality her voice does have off into screamosphere. It was wildly off-key and off tempo. It’s Lacey’s last week. That’s it.

The judges are obviously listening to a different TV show. I have no idea who they are talking about.

Katelyn singing some Carole King kinda makes me sleepy. Odd, since I love both Katelyn’s dirge like version of “The Scientist” last week and Carole King. It just didn’t thrill me. That makes me a little cranky. The judges call her on the lame performance, but I think she’s still safe. Katelyn and her bouncy blonde curls that I envy… sorry, tangent.

Didi pulls out her guitar and some Fleetwood Mac. “Rhiannon” is oddly enough well suited to her style. She didn’t push for the ridiculous note Stevie could pull off back in ’77, but she gave a sweet rendition of one of the loveliest songs of all time.  It was a vast improvement over last week’s train wreck.

Paige brings us the suddenly ubiquitous “Smile”. Has this song suddenly become cool because of its appearance on Glee? It was terrible. Terrible. Just not good. I feel sorry for her.

My girl Crystal is up with Tracy Chapman’s ” Give Me One Reason” and  reinforces my love in both Tracy Chapman and in her.  Up on stage with her guitar and some soul, she delivers a freakin’ awesome performance and I love her.

Lilly Scott, the Veela,  tackles the legendary ” I Fall To Pieces” and for the first time, I’m worried about her.  Her lower register was poorly supported, making her wobbly and off-key, and the jazzier tone of her voice didn’t suit the country song.  I think she’ll make it to the top twelve next week without issue, but it’s the first real non-great moment Lilly has had. The judges are on crack.

Tomorrow I’ll be back for the boys, where I will reserve this weeks judgment on the judges ( early call- massive fail, guys. All four of you are failing this week). Until then, just keep chanting ” Bow-er-SOX!”.

American Idol Snark Post #5: We’re Getting There. Slowly.

Tonight we get the girls back. I’m a little relieved.

Crystal is, indeed, performing tonight. Ryan pulled her aside to see how much she’d say, but she just said ” I’m a tough cookie” and walked away. Good on you, Crystal.

Question- did Randy see the same show I did last night? The guys were hot? Middling at best.

Crystal has a twin named Carl who is a “square”. God, I think she’s awesome. No one uses “square” any more.  She goes with CCR’s ” Long As I Can See The Light”. Has CCR ever been on an Idol show before?  She imbibes the song with soul and warmth. For someone who has had a tough couple of days, she was amazing. The stress doesn’t show. A good moment, the first real one of the season. Thank God.

Haeley Vaughn, the delusional wannabe country girl, singing a Miley song this week.  Not just any song, the horrible vomitrocious “The Climb”.  ( I hate that song. HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE). She’s a doofy, giggly teenager best left to text her girls about the Jonas Brothers. Going younger doesn’t help her stay in key, though, and she’s shakier than Miley herself. Hell, Taylor Swift can carry a tune better. ( I just found someone worse than effing TAYLOR SWIFT?) Just… soooooooo bad. Bad song, bad vocal, bad hair thingy. Bad. Terrible. Please send her home now. Especially after that “glory note” that sounded like Simon was dissecting a living cat.

Lacey Brown, who assassinated Stevie Nicks last week and somehow managed to stay, decided to take Kara’s advice ( bad idea). I still don’t like her. I also hate ” Kiss Me”.  It’s one of those twee little songs by a 90s one hit wonder that makes me wish I skipped the last half of the decade. She also still can’t pick a key and stick with it. Not good. Not good at all.

Katie Stevens just reeks of pageant, doesn’t she? She can say ” Gimme a kiss” is six languages and has enough self-realization to know that’s a lame thing to be able to do. But picking the incomparable Corrine Bailey Rae’s ” Put Your Records On”? I might have been able to get behind that choice if her voice showed any of the sparkle and joie de vivre the vocal requires. No, it was kinda a sad mess.  That’s not even with the pitch issues she was having.  Ugh.

RyRy’s new obsession with Justin Bieber is disturbing.

Didi looks like the girl I hated in junior high. Tangent and now back again. She was a mascot in junior high ( we didn’t have one). She also meows as a vocal warm up. Are you kidding me? Looking up indulgent? Really? Gawd. She’s dim, isn’t she? She goes with ” Lean On Me”, and it’s a wreck. A pitchy, dull, soulless mess.

At this stage of the game, this season appears to be Crystal Bowersox’s season to lose. Isn’t that sad? ( I’m glad for Crystal, because she’s clearly great.)

Ah, Michelle. Doing a CREED song ( oh, God, my late 90s nightmare continues. I apologize to all Creed fans. I hate them. Violently hate them. And you have shitty taste in music. Go listen to your Nickelback albums). Michelle does have a lovely voice. Too bad she has never heard of a good song. It’s also really pathetic that I think it’s one of the better vocals of the night ( Better= less pitchy than normal). Pathetic because the song sucks donkey balls and the rest of the girls have been so disappointing ( save for Crystal).

Lilly Scott has been a favorite of mine since Hollywood Week.  I have said it before ( see: Syesha Mercado). Do not sing ” A Change Is Gonna Come”. Just- don’t. Unless you are Lilly Scott. That was fantastic ( say ” fantastic” like Christopher Eccleston, everyone).  I still think Crystal was stronger, but Lilly is strong competition ( I would die happy if two slightly indie girls ended up one-two this season).

Katelyn is a music geek, studying recording engineering. I like her well enough and hope that she takes my favorite Coldplay song ” The Scientist” and does it justice. She picks the right key, the right tempo for her voice and changes the melody just enough without making it unrecognizable. Another great performance.  It’s well sung and another moment in a season that has had too few. ( I agree with Kara. Fucking shoot me.)

Paige the previously non-existent contestant likes to color. I find that endearing, since I myself like my kids coloring books. She chooses a Kelly Clarkson song. Regular readers- can anyone tell me what my number one song selection rule is? Leave any answers in comments.  But I like her chutzpah. She picks rock songs that she wraps her soul voice around, and it is a really good voice. Her big note was shaky and a bit thin, but overall I’m increasingly impressed by her. Now I just have to remember her name.

Siobhan remains a quirky joy to me.  A formerly mohawked, lip drilling joy ( that sounded wrong). She launches into “Think”. Again with the do not touch songs? Seriously? And to the people who are going to complain about that last huge note- it’s the same damn note Aretha sang. Yeah, didn’t like her version of it either. The rest of it was great. Just that one note I have always hated in every version of that song. Even the Queen of Soul.

The girls still out sang the guys. They’ve been doing that since the first person got a golden ticket.

My picks to leave, God willing: Todrick, Jermaine, Haeley, Lacey. Then maybe with the really bad guys gone and the last two really terrible girls outta there, we’ll get to the real nitty gritty.

American Idol Snark Post #1: Yeah, But Can They Do The Goose Lift On Thin Blades While Gliding Across The Ice?

Oh, Idol, how I have missed you and your inane judging panel. Welcome back.

The elimination rounds this year have a Billboard Hits theme, a theme I like this early on since it leaves it open to wide variation. So tonight it was shocking that three- THREE- girls picked Beatles tracks. Yes, one quarter of tonight was dedicated to the guys from Liverpool. There was also some not so original song choices which makes me bang my head against the desk.

We start off with Paige, who I don’t recall getting a single second of screen time during the early rounds. She tackles “All Right Now” by Free. Now, she has what is easily a great soulful rock voice, but you are talking to a David Cook girl here and I’m sorry, it didn’t come close to that performance from his second week. That being said, I found it actually pretty good. The judges all seem to really like that big voice, but seemed split on the song choice.

Next is Ashley, who is stupid enough to pick a song from Simon’s current pet Leona Lewis. Not only that, the song is one of my least favorite songs ever. So she didn’t even come close to making a good impression on me.  She clinched it with a wobbly lower register and plenty of off-key notes.  By the end, I began to wish Leona Lewis was singing. I hate Leona Lewis.

Janell, one of those quirky blonde types Idol discovered this year, went with ” What About Love”, a big huge rock song that dwarfed her thin little folky voice. Bad song choice kills you, Janell, and I’m thinking she might be one of the two who go home. Which is sad, because I loved her version of “American Boy” during Hollywood Week.

Lily Scott, another blonde ( although her hair, silverish blonde, makes me think of Fleur, the Veela  from the Harry Potter books), came out and did one of the Beatles tracks. Granted, she went with ” Fixin’ A Hole”, which is not exactly a Beatles track people think of when they think Beatles classics, and she sang it with a folky, jazzy style that reminded me of Duffy meeting Tori Amos.

We get a third quirky blonde in Katelyn, who picked another offbeat Beatles track with ” Oh Darlin’”. She also has a slightly jazzy tone to her voice, but it’s more commercial than Lilly’s.  She also seemed less interesting overall.

Poor little Haeley the wannabe country girl went with the third Beatles track, and man, was that a bit of a train wreck. She stripped the joy and poppy fun from ” I Wanna Hold Your Hand”, layered a hicuppy , screechy vocal, and made me want her to leave. I might get my wish.

That is if Lacey hadn’t made the ginormous blunder and sang a Stevie Nicks song ( Stevie Nicks is a No-no, people. Haven’t you listened to me ever?) She laid down a terrible, uneven, pitchy vocal that made me want to stick my pen through one ear and a q-tip in the other. How dare she wreck “Landslide”?

Michelle, a very pretty girl with a good voice, sang Alicia Keys “Fallin’”, which means that she gets no bonus points from me for being good because “Fallin’” is on my ” I never want to hear it on Idol ever again” list of songs I create every year.  Pretty forgettable, honestly.

Didi, yet another quirky blonde, sang Ingrid Michaelson’s insipid ” The Way I Am”, crushing my soul a little bit. There are better female singer songwriter types.

Siobhan Magnus, out to teach North Americans how to properly pronounce Irish names, went bold with her choice of song, singing Chris Isaaks’ dark and haunting ” Wicked Game”, which she did pretty well. I found her compelling, although Kara’s point of her being nasal was valid.

Everyone’s favorite lady, Crystal Bowersox, came out in full Dylan mode and sang that terrible Alanis song, ” Hand In My Pocket”. I forgive her, because she’s so awesome, with that Linda Perry hair and that Melissa Etheridge voice. I love her. Let’s make this clear. I. Love. Her.

Finishing the night was Idol‘s pick for cute, precocious teenager we want you to vote for this year. Katie Stevens sang ” Feelin’ Good”, which was way too mature and intense for her seventeen years. And I am not as impressed with her voice as the judges are. I find it pretty middle of the road good, with little in the way of personality.

The judges this year start with a clean slate, even Kara, who made a couple of key points ( I mentioned her assessment of Siobhan’s nasal quality). So far, none of them have made an egregious assessment worth punishing them for. Kara can possibly learn to stop trying to read people’s minds, but she got a bonus point from me for naming the Sundays in her assessment of Lacey. But this year’s judging meme seems to be ” originality”. They seemed to mention it to every one, leading me to believe they have seen the light after two seasons where people who take style risks came out on top over big voiced divas and cute, barely pubescent boys.

This years crop of girls, though, do seem to be promising. The boys go tomorrow, where I am dying to see what happens. The boys seem underwhelming overall. But that’s what the elimination rounds are all about.