Idol Snark Post #7: Save Me From the Freaks Who Suspect That They Can Never Love Anyone

WTF?

What. The. Fuck?

Wha’?

I’m still, nearly 10 hours later, trying to figure out what happened.

How did Haley not slide into the bottom three? How did Thia and Stefano not go home? How did CASEY- who wasn’t great but certainly not even close to the worse this week- get eliminated? Why do people hate the beard so much ( seriously, comments boards are violently anti-beard. At least Andrew Sullivan has Casey’s back)?

And why did the judges use the save?

Frankly, the entire episode reeked of manipulation and meta nonsense. Between the Hulk Hogan cameo (earning groans from my wrestling and reality TV hating family), the horrible group sing ( seriously, lose the group sing. I hate them all during the group sing), and the completely effed up Ford Music Video ( I really hate them all),  and RyRy acting like some sort of deranged Brit presenter circa 1982 (I’m thinking Top of the Pops, but Paula Yates on anything might also be an apt comparison)- it was a weird and entertaining show.

I must admit, I like the Sugarland song, but I am a Jennifer Nettles devotee. And I worship J-Hud. (Nice to see George Huff there, too, singing behind the Oscar-winning Goddess. I loved George’s version of “Take Me To the Pilot”).

But the bottom three, while not wholly surprising, did shock when Casey was sent packing, only to be rescued a mere five seconds into his “make it or break it” song by the judges declaring that there is no need to discuss, Casey is staying. Casey’s reaction was the most amusing thing, even if I was genuinely scared for the dude, as he looked about ready to pass out on poor RyRy. Gwen bet he was gonna “vomit comet” the stage.

I would have paid a million dollars to see that.

Overall, while this week accomplished nothing, it was surprisingly a good week entertainment wise. Lord knows I now expect every Idol elimination show to be that bizarre.

Thanks, Nigel. You somehow left me perplexed and amused.

Idol Snark Post #6: Where’s The Kool Aid At?

Once again I am at a loss. What do the judges hear in that place? It’s not what I’m hearing.

First: the bad. Haley.  That was the true train wreck moment, a disaster of epic proportions, a surefire go home on Thursday card. Her version of “You Really Got A Hold on Me”, one of the greatest of the Motown love songs, was loungey and showed off the thinness of her voice, and she clumped around on stage like a hippo. It was painful to watch, and then they all praised her for it. What the eff, judges?

And then Thia- oh, Thia, who just is completely uninteresting and unable to complete her phrasing and just so- ugh. I have never seen in her the “greatness” the judges do. I certainly don’t hear any special tone. If there is one, it don’t play well on TV. And “Heatwave” must be retired, as it will always sound dated.

Stefano, sweetie with the cute lil’ dimple. That was a big fat no, and you lost all good will. “Hello” is a terrible song unless you are playing a Les Paul marked “AC” and with pre-makeover hair, singing it with an impassioned rock and roll growl.

Then there comes the “meh”. Lauren is “meh”. I still get the attitude from her, and she rolls her eyes while talking out of her ass about leanin’ to not take criticism too personal and y’all. I said previously that entitlement seeps from her pores, and I will not change my mind. It’s like she expects to win simply because she’s Lauren and she’s the best. Her vocal this week wasn’t all that great, and “You Keep Me Hanging On” is a fantastic song to sing. She had the attitude, mind you, but attitude only goes so far.

Jacob gets a “meh- wait, maybe not”. Marvin Gaye is soul brother number one, and his duets with Tammi Terrell are possibly my favourite Motown tracks. ” You’re All I Need” is certainly in my Motown top five. And kudos, Jacob, for not overdoing it ( it would have been easy to go all Praise Jesus over that song). I’m still not 100% convinced about Jacob’s voice or taste level, but I did really like this week’s performance. I said it. Bring it.

We knew Scotty would be a tough one, and it turns out “For Once In My Life” wouldn’t make a bad country song. I’m not the biggest Scotty fan, but I recognize that he is well suited to his genre and is actually petty much pitch perfect vocally. He rarely makes a vocal slip up, and he’s still pushing his boundaries. He’s a brave soul. It wasn’t super awesome, but it was at least good. I was expecting full on catastrophe.

Pia the Fembot™  gave another patented Pia the Fembot™ ballad the pitch perfect, technically spot on vocals that had absolutely no soul. When I watch her perform all I can see is “pageant hand”. I want to set her up on stage in a straight jacket shrieking to the Ramones “Psychotherapy” if it meant one performance where she wouldn’t do the damn “pageant hand”.  And I might not then trademark Pia the Fembot  (™).

Casey, whom I adore, really didn’t do much new with “I Heard It Through The Grapevine”. It was a solid vocal. But it wasn’t spectacular. Casey is in danger of boring me. That’s not good.

Now, for the good.

Naima, full-throated and controlled on “Dancing In the Streets”, bringing in the African drums. Maybe the breakdown dance break was a bit much, but it was at least interesting. It was by far her best vocal in weeks, though, and that helps.

James can sing pretty much anything as an Axl Rose song, as his “Living For The City” proved tonight.  I love the fact he’s comfortable with who he is, and I also love the fact we all know he has that rock scream and he keeps using it with surprising judiciousness.

But my favourite this week was Paul, who looks less spastic with his guitar, and did a sweet and folky version of “Tracks of My Tears”.  I like his vibe, and his taste level is superb.  But in a week with a lot of sound alike performances and some really weird judging, he was a breath of fresh air. The arrangement was both familiar and new. And that voice is just so cool.

My bottom three are Thia, Haley, and Stefano, with Haley going home. She just doesn’t have anything to bring. Bye bye, Haley. Nice knowing you.

 

American Idol Snark Post #12: The Eleventh Circle Of Hell

Oh… Billboard Number Ones, not Teen Idols as a theme. The Internet lied to me!!!  Still too broad a category, and you just know some of these contestants are going to go completely off the rails.

I want to punch Miley Cyrus. She annoys me, she can’t sing, and she says the most inane things when interviewed. Fortunately, my girls are over her and have moved on to Florence and the Machine and Little Boots. I keep doing something right with them.

Lee started off with “The Letter”. I know the song was probably chosen before Alex Chilton’s untimely death last week. But I was excited to see if he’s go with the Box Tops original version, a slice of sixties pop heaven, but instead he went for the Joe Cocker version, which annoys me to no end ( I love Cocker, but I just don’t like that version). At least Lee sang it well. Thank God for small miracles.

Paige sang “Against All Odds”, another song on Palais’ list of never to be sung on Idol songs. It was beyond terrible.

Tim went with “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”. Another terrible, bland performance from one of my Gokey-Sanjayas for season nine. Just horrific. I almost turned off the TV, until I reminded myself Siobhan and Crystal were still to come.

Sadly, I think Tim Urban will make it to the tour.That’s how terrible Paige was.

Aaron did a ridiculous thing and picked ” I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing”. David Cook sang that song. Don’t sing it. Cook fans are possessive of all his Idol performances.

Okay, truth is, Aaron sang it okay. He was pushing that vocal, causing pitch issues. But no where close to being Tim-Paige horrible.

Did the judges give him a free pass due to illness?

Was RyRy snarking when he “called” Aaron “David Archuleta”?

Crystal singing “Me and Bobby McGee”- it’s a song I love when Kris Kristofferson and Janis Joplin sing it. And now we add Crystal Bowersox to that list. She was amazing.  Once again, she proves how far above the rest of the contestants she is ( Siobhan does that as well). She’s beginning to loosen up and is showing herself to be quite charming and witty. She’s only going to get better. And I am also very intrigued what her plan is for next week. ( She’ll be there.  Jimi Hendrix told me so).

Mike tackles “When A Man Loves A Woman” with aplomb, full of visual cheese and smooth vocals.  I can’t fault the guy for singing a legendary soul classic well. Too bad he doesn’t excite me. And I miss Otis Redding. ( I know, I know… It’s been forty three years, get over it.)

Andrew does “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” and made me hate Marvin Gaye, one of my favoritest singers of all time. If Marvin never recorded that song, only Gladys Knight’s version would exist and people would stop trying destroying the legacy of Marvin.  Just… a big fat box of “no”.

“Straight Up” gets brought up. Again.

Katie picks ” Big Girls Don’t Cry”, that horrible Fergie song with that dumbass ” Child misses its blanket” line, and proceeds to remind me that I hate Fergie and I dislike Katie “Miss Teen USA” Stevens.

You know what kind of Idol show it is when I’m checking my email ( Judy Greer to guest on The Big Bang Theory!)

Casey gets my ’80s era self all excited for “Power Of Love” which is one of my favorite guilty pleasures ( I love me some Huey Lewis!). And I thought it was his best performance in weeks. I know it was very cover bandish, but I don’t care. I love that song.

Didi picks ” You’re No Good”. Linda Ronstadt has one of the clearest, cleanest voices in music history. Didi does not. It was a mess.

Siobhan gets all screamy over “Superstition”. I’m gonna tell Siobhan, whom I adore, the same thing I told Adam (G)Lambert last year. I know you can scream. I don’t need to hear it every… fucking… week. Restraint, darling. Restraint. There is a reason why my favorite Adam performance ended up being “Mad World”, you know. ( That, and “Slow Ride”, but that might have more to do with shoulda been top three Allison Iraheta). It was still the second best performance of the night.

That was painful.

And goodbye Paige. We never knew you.