American Idol Snark Post #11: I’m Mad As Hell ( But I’m Still Gonna Take It)

I am pissed off. But not for the reason you might think.

I have been annoyed by American Idol’s judges. I can fault them for many, many things- inconsistency, platitudes, spinelessness, hypocrisy.

But in nine seasons of watching Idol, they have never offended me.

And they did tonight.

I am not a Pia fan, but I do acknowledge the technical brilliance of her voice. I find her cold and sterile as a performer, pageanty even. But I acknowledge her talent. She has the possibility to grow as a performer if she stops being so calculated and learns to be an artist as opposed to a vessel. I didn’t think Pia would be going home, although I did think both she and Jacob ( and Lauren, if we want to get really critical, here) needed a bottom three slot in order to get them to think about what they’re doing. I know Idol contestants read blogs and press. I know they know what we all think of them.  Idol is a fan driven show- everyone knows.

The only people oblivious are the judges.

I know I’m not the only Idol writer who has called Pia emotionless as a performer. No one has ever said she’s a bad singer in anything I have read. It’s all about how she connects with the audience. And the judges did her no favours by not saying something sooner ( J.Lo, to her credit, did begin to hint at it last night, but it was a baby step). The judges have been overly effusive this year, with little in actual, solid advice. Pia needed someone- ANYONE- to say to her that she was coming across cold. No one did.

Yes, Stefano should have gone home, based strictly on performance. He knew it, too. His face after the announcement was completely stunned, and I thought he was about to pass out.

No, this is not offensive to me. Because Idol is an audience driven show. And the audience who voted last night didn’t like Pia enough to vote her to safety. That’s the way the cookie crumbles. And 19′s gonna sign her overnight to a deal and everything will be okay for Pia. I was never worried about her post-Idol.

But the judges comments afterwards- THAT is what offended me. They have spent weeks telling everyone how perfect and beautiful and flawless they are. They are supposed to be giving honest critiques about how shrieky Jacob is, how soulless Pia is, how whiny Lauren is, how Scotty’s eyebrows are not endearing every minute of every song, how flat James can be, how Haley needs to growl less, how Casey and Paul both need to find the right key at moments- the contestants may be the strongest batch the show has ever had, but they are also heavily flawed raw talent that need proper guidance, and these judges aren’t giving it to them. If you squawk on and on about how perfect everyone every week is, and enough people believe it, the good ones are in danger of going home.

So first- stop being scared about hurting their feelings. TELL THEM THE UNVARNISHED TRUTH.  You don’t have to be Cowellesque about it. You can be honest without being mean.  But do it.

Secondly, the people who were not in the bottom three probably all felt like shit when you sat there and basically indicated that you think Pia is more worthy than them. Jennifer didn’t sob when Asht(h)on left. Randy wasn’t pissed off when Naima went home last week. There was no talk about how shocking and outrageous it was. It was a horrible, cruel thing to do. Poor Stefano already looked sick, and you basically told him that he did deserve to go, and that you basically have been lying to him.

So- keep perspective. someone will go home every week. and in a season with no clear front-runner, it will be someone you prefer over someone else.

Third. You basically told the American people they made the wrong choice. No they didn’t. They made their choice. When you have a show that uses a past the post system to determine a winner, the one who wins is the one with the biggest fan base. We fool ourselves every year that Idol is a singing competition. It’s never been one. It’s a popularity contest, and Pia didn’t speak to enough people this week. When democratic voting happens, the people are never wrong. Disagree, but my God, Steven Randy Jennifer- DO NOT TELL THEM THEY ARE WRONG.

The people are never wrong. Not when it comes to silly little reality shows. This isn’t the free world they’re running here. It’s pop music.

The judges offended me tonight by showing their true colours- they talk out of their asses and tell everyone how perfect they are, and then chastise the voting public when they don’t get their way.

Other than Pia going home, the only other thing worth mentioning is Iggy Pop doing “Real Wild Child”, because Iggy Pop is the king of all that is good in the world.

I am so fucking mad at the judges I could spit acid.

American Idol Snark Post #10 ( As I Now Number These Correctly): Come On, Come On, Come On…

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame week turned out not to be a train wreck. Who knew?

I honestly believe that these top nine are, as a whole, the best and most consistently good group of singers Idol has ever pulled together. There ain’t a lot of Sanjaya/Gokey (shudder) happening here. This is not a claim that it’s the best season ever. It’s not. That was season seven. But- I didn’t outright hate a single performance tonight.

I thought the worst of a strong bunch was Stefano, who really didn’t do anything new with “When a Man Loves A Woman”; Lauren, who gave a competent turn singing “(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman”; and Jacob, who ruined a really fantastic “Man In the Mirror” by over singing the chorus. Stefano was just fine. She sang a song way too old for her.  These are not egregious issues, but when everyone else took it up a notch, “good” isn’t good enough. Jacob, though, would have won my favourite of the night if he just hadn’t done the chorus. His verse, and the end line, were spot on perfect.

For instance, Casey brought out the stand up bass, a mandolin, and some CCR to give his best performance since Hollywood week. His version of “Have You Ever Seen The Rain” had the benefit of being a song that is not overused on Idol ( another problem with Lauren’s song choice is the frequency of “Natural Woman” covers, which I must admit she now rules the Idol roost with hers). CCR on Idol? It just felt fresh.James did a Beatles song that also hasn’t been overdone, and his moody “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” was also a fine vocal mired by one really bad vocal choice, but James only did his for one note, not an entire chorus, so it’s easier to forgive. Scotty sounded great on”That’s All Right, Mama”, but I’m getting to the point where I can’t watch him perform, with the leanin’ and the smirkin’ and the eyebrow thingy. And Pia the Fembot (©®™Æ), who should punch Gwen Stefani’s lights out for giving her that jumpsuit, sounded technically great, but still left me cold. I don’t get Pia, who is the best singer bar none they have. But I hate her. It’s not because she’s a pretty girl with a great voice. It’s because I don’t believe a damn thing she sings. It’s frustrating.

 

Which leads me to Haley and Paul. How Haley went from being the girl who put me asleep to being my number two is mind-boggling. There is the fact she appears to lack a filter, and her awkwardness and enthusiasm are charming as all hell.  But she is one of the few contestants who appears to be listening to the team around her in a constructive way, and her “Piece of My Heart” was a flawed gem if there ever was one. Not every note was right, but the ones that were spot on were spectacular.

And Paul? For the second week in a row, he’s my favourite. From the mildly creepy but still lovely(to MY ears) “Rocket Man” to the messy, rough and tumble, vocals expanding “Folsom Prison Blues”, I just like the guy so damn much, and I would probably buy his album. I know people are gonna bitch about the smile blinding them during a song about doin’ time for shooting some asshole in Reno because you were bored and all, but I don’t care, just like all those Gokey fans didn’t care about the fact Gokey was the worst thing to happen to Idol since Sanjaya made me hate a Kinks song.

Wow, this piece got cranky, dinnit?

My bottom three are clearly Stefano, Jacob, and Lauren. And a guy (specifically, Stefano) is going home.

 

American Idol Snark Post #15- Ummmmm…

A group of online friends and I have been debating the judges save for a couple of weeks now. General assessment was it would only be used a) on Crystal or Siobhan and b) at the very last-minute if at all.

So after the torture of that opening medley (just… so…wrong), a couple of good performances by Jason Derulo and David Archuleta, and a reminder why I think Rihanna is a great showgirl disguised as a pop star ( Lord knows she can’t sing a single note in key), I was left stunned and amazed that Tim Urban wasn’t even in the bottom three like I predicted, and that somehow Andrew managed to not be eliminated all out, leaving poor Big Mike, with the technically best vocal in a SINGING COMPETITION, to sing for his life. I don’t think Mike will win the season nine crown ( that would and should be Mama Sox), but I do hold to the idea that the top four should be Crystal-Siobhan-Mike-Lee/Casey ( Lee and Casey are pretty interchangeable).

The fact is, of the nine remaining people, those five are the only ones I see with a real shot. Aaron needs to mature, Katie needs to learn not everything is about world peace and saving kitties, Andrew needs to go back to the bar, and Tim apparently needs to walk around shirtless online 24 hours a day. I don’t think this is the worst crop of Idol contestants ever ( season five…), but it’s right up there, and you know it’s bad when you begin to miss Blake Lewis.

The use by the judges of the save did come as a shock, because I believe it could bite them on the ass. They almost didn’t use it last year ( I’m glad they did, because it saved Matt Giraud, and I still like him, so shut up). But I can see why they did. Unlike the three ladies who have already gone home, Mike picked appropriate songs and sang them well. He always sings them well. He’s the most consistent singer on the show. He’s by far the best male voice they have ( sorry, Casey/Lee). Yes, he needs to learn to tone down the cheesy performances, but really, it’s worse that Tim Urban can sing “Under My Thumb” with no connection to what he’s singing about.

So next week, we get a double elimination and Adam Lambert as a mentor ( can someone logically explain why? I don’t want Adam fangirl reasons, I want a legitimate reason. Because Adam is the greatest thing ever is not a real reason. And also not true). I’m not sure what’s gonna go down. I’m not sure what the theme is. But if this season has taught me anything, it’s that American Idol may be on its last legs, and that Tim Urban’s abs are more important than good singing.

American Idol Snark Post #14: Take A Sad Song and Make It Mediocre

I’m still not sure what to make of Lennon/McCartney night. As a diehard Beatles fan, I firmly believe that Idol has massacred enough of the band’s songs to last me a lifetime. there is also the problem of people picking the same ones over and over again. L/Mc wrote hundreds of songs in their careers, yet we must always get a version of “Come Together” once a season.

The other thing that bothered me was that Casey was the only one of the nine to go beyond the Beatles years and pick a solo song ( how “Imagine” didn’t get sung is probably the most shocking thing all night). As genius as the Beatles songs are, Lennon and, yes, even McCartney had gems in their solo careers.  Casey even went for one of John’s most emotionally charged songs and I believe he pretty much nailed it. But more on that when I get to him later.

Having a mentorless week reminded me that sometimes the Idols need to find their own way without Miley Cyrus telling them they look cute with that haircut. While I understand the concept of having mentors, they very rarely have anything profound to say ( surprisingly, the people I dismissed as mentors, like Mariah Carey, often offer the best advice). As a result, this week lacked a certain something, leading to a show that was actually the least annoying overall this season, and uniformly good performances.

While I might have just said “good” there, I don’t mean that it was a classic show. But there were no true train wrecks, and most everyone was on key for most of their songs.  That is an achievement with this lot.

Aaron, who seems to want to be David Archuleta, tackled ” The Long And Winding Road”. I have a history with this song, as I love it and hate it simultaneously for very personal reasons that require a whole other blog post to get into. Aaron has potential, but this week his vocal was the shakiest one of the night and he did nothing with his performance to make the song seem fresh. I have the phrase “old-fashioned” written in my notes four times. It just seemed so 1972 Variety Show.

Katie took on “Let It Be”. If rock and roll is a religion, “Let It Be” is its ultimate hymn. Katie showed better vocal control this week, but she still did nothing to erase the idea of Miss Teen Groton pageant from my head. Why is it the two youngest contestant make me feel like I’m watching Lawrence Welk?

Andrew did a fifties twist on “Can’t Buy Me Love”. If you must know anything about me, I am not a big fan of early Beatles singles. I love them when they got weird and George discovered the sitar. “Can’t Buy Me Love” is one of my least favorite songs OF ALL TIME. I said it. So what? But Andrew’s rendition of this song just made it worse. I now really, really, really hate the song, especially when performed as a poor knock off of the Brain Setzer Orchestra, which is what Andrew’s hair made me think of.

One of my favorite moments of season seven was David Cook’s “Eleanor Rigby”, which is easily in my top ten McCartney penned tracks list. DC took a slow dirge and made it kick ass.  Mike Lynche took it to church ( where, I guess, it really should be). This song epitomizes what I love and hate about Mike. I couldn’t watch the performance. But I loved listening to it. The vocal was pretty flawless.

Crystal brought along a didgeridoo to perform “Come Together”. Seriously, at this rate, I’m never going to love that song again. Even though Crystal was great, I was disappointed by it. I really wanted her to pick something completely new out of the catalog, and I get a song sung so amazingly by Carly Smithson and Kris Allen. Maybe it’s “Come Together” saturation, but as much as I liked it, I didn’t love it. But bonus points for a didgeridoo.

Tim, with the Zac Efron hair and Osmond worthy teeth, did “All My Loving”. Big fat “No”. Sadly, he won’t be going home. I’d rather listen to Miley caterwaul about partying in the U.S.A.

Casey’s performance of “Jealous Guy” blew my mind. It wasn’t a perfect vocal, but when something is that simply, elegant, and emotionally charged, I can forgive a couple of wobbly notes. There are some people out there who value technical perfection above all else. Since I am a huge fan of Dylan, Springsteen, Costello, and Strummer, I am clearly not one of these people. I am a fan of songs sung as if one’s life depended on getting the message across. Casey did that last night.  For me, it was an Idol moment.

Oh, Siobhan. I get what the judges were saying to you last night. But I loved every moment of ” Across The Universe”. I even liked the fact it was “sleepy”. It was vulnerable, it showed restraint, we got to remember that Siobhan has a lovely voice without the big screamy note. I was captivated by the stillness and restraint.

Lee took on “Hey Jude”. Normally, taking a six and a half-minute song on Idol and trying to cut it down to two is just asking for trouble. But since it’s “Hey Jude”, you could eliminate the second verse and ten minutes of “na na na”‘s and be just fine in the end. Lee’s pitch control gets better each week, even if he still looks like a deer caught in the headlights on stage. And he tops Crystal’s didgeridoo with bagpipes. Bagpipes! I was half expecting a ceilidh to start-up. Everyone do ” Lord of the Dance”. That all being said, Lee was just okay.

And that basically sums up the week- okay. Nothing outside of Casey’s performance was anything super special, even if they were good or at least interesting. Nothing was so terrible I see an obvious contender to go home. I think our bottom three will be all male this week, with Aaron, Andrew, and Tim sitting on the silver stools of death. Look for Andrew, who was not terrible but lacks hot abs or teenage cuteness, to go home.