Idol Snark Post #4: New Word Is Messiotrionic

Messiotrionic. The ability to create a histrionic mess.

Learn it. Love it. Go with it.

That’s what happened tonight on that stage. It was like watching a train wreck, only with boring songs, save for a couple of choices, and then they added underwhelming vocals and overwhelming pitch issues.

I just wanted to be whelmed by the time Jacob sang. Which meant absolutely nothing to him, as he tore Heart’s epic, Carrie Underwood owned power ballad “Alone” apart and proceeded to gospel it up and not allow the band a chance to actually shine ( I hate singers who feel the need to bridge every lyric with runs and vocal gibberish. Just. Shut. Up.) But at least it was an unexpected song choice for Jacob, as was Paul wobbly, rambling, imperfect but still somehow utterly charming rendition of “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues”, with quirky asides and wonky dancing included. As for the best of the rest, Stefano’s “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” was the best straight up vocal of the night, strongly sung and soulful rendered. Scotty was a close second with a copy cat but great vocal on Travis Tritt’s “Can I Trust You With My Heart”, which did push the deep voice into a higher and surprisingly relaxed upper range.

Then there are the bad- Karen’s “Love Will Lead You back” wasn’t only pitchy, but dull. So dull. I keep forgetting about het every week.  Thia also suffered from the wretched curse of being totally blah. Haley may have a good voice, but she has no ability to pick a song, which is killing  her and not helping her case with me. James had a good vocal, but I hate that Bon Jovi song with a deep passion. Naima is blowing it with poor song choice, as the oddball I pictured her being vanishes behind Tina Turner songs sung a hundred times on Idol.

Then there are the others: Pia, Casey, and Lauren. Pia did nothing to eliminate her new role as Idol Fembot as she delivered a competent, soulless version of that awful Whitney ballad “Where Do Broken Hearts Go”. Being technically on top of it but emotionless is worse than what Karen did. Lauren Alaina, whom I still despise as the producers try to shove her in my face every thirty seconds as their little princess winner, did the one billionth rendition of “I’m The Only One”, and I’m sure Melissa Etheridge is somewhere going “Enough already, I’ve written better songs, sing them, for Christ’s sake.”

Then there is Casey.

I adore Casey. His taste level for music is high.  He’s a gifted singer with a penchant for unique tunes. But singing Nirvana? On Idol? I admire his cojones, even if I now think the Cobain estate should have said no. It was the most copycat of all his performances and it wasn’t wholly successful, but it was an interesting experiment. I wish I liked it more, and I might have if that song wasn’t so sacred to me.

I’m calling Haley, Thia, and Karen to be bottom three, and Karen will likely be heading home.  But overall, this week was a major downer. Too bad.

American Idol Snark Post #10: Hey, You, Get Off Of My Cloud. No Mars Bars Allowed

I spent all last night craving a Mars Bar, by the bye. Some urban legends just make me hungry.

Our top twelve were assigned the Rolling Stones for week one, and I, for one, was glad it wasn’t such a complete train wreck like the Beatles week two from season seven. It wasn’t the best thing ever, either. Middling. It was middling.

First off, how did we get through an entire night of Rolling Stones music with not one person attempting “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”? Did the Idols realize that the song is poisonous and no one does it well if they aren’t Mick Jagger? Second, I was 0 for 12 on my song suggestions. I am way off this year already. Leading me to believe I really don’t seem to know my contestants. Is that because I don’t care or that they are all really that cryptic?

Big Mike started the show with a well sung but once again visually cheesy performance of ” Miss You”. The guy can stay on pitch, which is always a bonus, but I didn’t like this big, lumbering guy doing dumb dance moves on a song that was a notorious departure for the Stones. Does anyone actually like “Miss You”? I don’t. It’s disco.

Didi went all drama queen on “Playing With Fire”. Hey, someone picked a Stones song that isn’t part of the greatest hits packages! I didn’t like it much, either, because I don’t buy Didi as a dark, moody bitch from hell who will destroy you if you keep acting like a prick. She reminds me of the bubbly blonde cheerleader I plotted against in junior high. I will admit, she sounded better this week, but really, that’s like saying the fiftieth Halloween movie was better than the thirtieth.

Casey pulled out the guitar (bonus!) for ” It’s All Over Now”, a song so early in the Stones discography I forgot it existed. I felt an immediate disconnect between Casey smiling face and what it a pretty bluesy, angsty break up song. Three performances in, I’m looking for some soul and attitude. It’s the Rolling Stones! Mick and Keith! Come ON!

Lacey took the classic “Ruby Tuesday” and wrecked it with her wildly pitchy vocal.

Andrew decided to rock it up with “Gimme Shelter” and came massively short. Kara was right ( ohmigod, stop me. I just said Kara was right). The song, forever immortalized in the film of the same name by the Maysles brothers, is a furious, dangerous song that needs a sense of urgency. Andrew is too laid back to pull it off. ( And go rent or buy Gimme Shelter, which is one of the best rock documentaries out there).

Katie took on “Wild Horses”. Do you know how to make me hate you with the fire of a million suns? Sing one of my all time favorite songs, one of the loveliest melodies ever, inspired by the great Marianne Faithfull, and put your pitchy, wan, colorless vocal on it. I viscerally hate you now, Katie Stevens, and that makes me a bad person, because you are seventeen and never been told you should stick to being a pageant queen.

The only reason why I think Katie shouldn’t go home is because Tim did the dumbest thing ever, taking the hateful and misogynistic “Under My Thumb” and sang it with a reggae beat. That song is horrific to begin with, made tolerable by me because of the marimba. He sang it as if he knew nothing about what it was about. And he sang it horribly. God, I viscerally hate Tim Urban as well.

Siobhan, though, brought me back. One of the few Stones tracks that hold up to multiple interpretations is “Paint It, Black”, and I have to say, Siobhan ( Irish for Joan- bet you didn’t know that) nailed it. It was dramatic, with a great vocal that gave the song the passion and urgency it needed. It’s a dark song, and she delivered the goods. I love Siobhan more and more every week.

Lee, who really needs to learn with that great if uneven rock voice of his he should be singing great rock songs, went with “Beast Of Burden”, which is not a great rock song. It’s a great pop song. And while he seemed more sure of himself, leading to a better vocal, it still came off as bland. I wanted Lee to do something totally awesome, like “Gimme Shelter” or “Sympathy For the Devil”, a real rocker to totally go insane over. Just a disappointment.

Paige does “Honky Tonk Woman” and somewhere, my BFF Jayme is sobbing into her morning coffee because that was horrific.

The surprise of the night award goes to Aaron Kelly. I am no way thinking that Aaron is going to win this, but he will most likely end up on the tour, so let us get used to that idea, shall we? If he is, his version of “Angie” should be his centerpiece. For the first time, he didn’t appear to be trying to oversing. That way, he stayed in key. He’s still an infant, but at least he sang it really well. It was still bland. Just in key.

Crystal “Pretty Much in the Top 2″ Bowersox went with “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” and it was good. She sang it well, she gave it some soul, but after the previous three weeks, it lacked a certain something that I can’t quite pin point.

So that was the Idol Top 12 performance show. Tonight I fully expect to see Tim, Lacey, and Paige in the bottom three ( I wish Katie would go home, but something tells me she won’t even be in the bottom). Look to say goodbye to Tim. And good riddance.

SNARKY SONG ADVICE FOR IDOL KIDS #1

So, the Rolling Stones have sold their catalogue away to Simon Fuller’s behemoth, too. If it’s good enough for the Beatles…

( The Kinks still remain the best British band ever, with the Clash coming in a close second. Yes, I am saying that to provoke you all. It’s my blog, deal with it. Also, I like Coldplay. Bite me.)

The Stones catalogue is deep, as one would expect after forty-five plus years of Kicking Ass.  I’ve been watching Tweets and thread comments since this morning, and I must ask- do you honestly think Idol will allow any of their singers to sing “Bitch”? Really? I doubt it. Nice thought, though.

So here it goes, my totally random and snark filled attempt to suggest songs that our top twelve should sing if they don’t want me to make fun of them next week.

Aaron: Oh, how sweet would it be for baby-faced Aaron to dress in black leather, go all emo, and howl off-key to “Sympathy For The Devil”? Sadly, I will never ask him to do that, because “Sympathy” is one of my favorite Stones tracks, and I don’t want to completely ruin it for everyone. Aaron to this point has mostly picked country songs, but I also think doing the most country of all Stones tracks, “Honky Tonk Woman”, would be creepy.  Frankly, looking over the Stones song list, there is very little I want to see the teenaged Aaron sing. I sat give him ” Time Is On My Side”, with its very limited vocal range, and we’ll plot to get rid of him next week.

Andrew: I still like Andrew, there is some real talent there. I’d like to see him liven things up a bit, grab an electric guitar, and launch himself into “Jumpin’ Jack Flash”. I don’t know why I like that idea so much.

Casey: I’ve had trouble picking a Casey song, because he’s got a bluesy rock vibe that goes well with the Stones catalogue.  So I turned it over to GC, who picked ” Paint It, Black”, because it’s one three Stones songs she actually knows and one of them she deemed better suited for one of the girls. I say it works, because if you strip away the sitar, it’s got a good blues underbelly.

American Idol Snark Post #9: Speechless.

This is my third attempt writing this post.

The first attempt was such an angry, incoherent mess I took two shots of Nava and watched some David Tennant as the Doctor ( Episode title: 42. I like that episode. Who Nazis can kiss my ass).

My second attempt was still very angry, but less a jumble of cursing and threats.

This is my third attempt.

Before I get to the real travesty of tonight’s episode of Idol, let us begin with the fact that I missed the opening number. I hear it was terrible, and that they sung Michael Bublé. ( Hey, it’s Bubbles!). Let’s just say my decision to start watching at 9:05 is the best decision ever. ( That would be 8:05 Pacific, all you time zone impaired people).

Then let us discuss Scott McIntyre and Matt Giraud’s version of “Tell Her About It”. I prefer Elton to Billy, as anyone with any knowledge of me knows, but the pianist in me loves them both in a different way. I was one of the few people last year who championed Scott through thick and thin because I believed there was a place in music for him, even if it was session work. His vocal tonight was better than anything he did on stage last year. Matt- I adore Matt, and never wavered from that either, preferring him to Kris Allen and Adam Lambert but realizing that the jazzier inflection in his voice and style may put him out early ( it did). I thought their version of ” tell Her About It” was spirited and joyous. I miss them.

Now, let us get to Todrick. As regular readers may know, every season, I have someone who grates on me so much I put them in what is known as the Gokey Halo ( formerly known as the Sanjaya Salon). Todrick was that person throughout these elimination rounds. He’s leaving.  To those worried that I may not have a snark worthy target, let me point out the following boys: Tim Urban, Aaron Kelly. Both horrible. Both worthy of my disdain. Why these two were kept over the talented fraidy cat Alex Lambert boggles my mind.

But the eliminations on the girl side- that is what inspired my wrath earlier tonight.

Why America decided that Lilly and Katelyn deserved to go home before tone-deaf Katie and Lacey is beyond my comprehension.

This is all I am going to say on the subject. The hurt is too great.

Needless to say, as a result, I am announcing that the person who currently occupies the Gokey Halo is Katie Stevens, because she really needed to go after that horrible off-key disaster on Tuesday night.

I’ll be back, because I fully expect and Crystal-Siobhan-Michael top three and I’m sticking to that.

Watch that prediction bite me in the ass (I was two for three last year. *fist shake* GOKEY!!!!!).

And America, when bitching about how much this season sucks, blame yourself. I’m Canadian, I can’t vote. I can just mock you all incessantly.